Just as the sunlight is extending farther into the days as spring continues, so Jamie's reaching deeper into my heart. I feel so close to him and it breaks my heart when I am not with him, but at the same point I'm anxiously anticipating his next arrival. Last time he was here, we were kissing and the intimacy we have makes me feel like nothing else in the world matters. Doting on each other fondly and compassionately, I started shedding tears of joy in his arms. As he wiped tears off my cheek, the moment grew more precious.

Though sometimes I feel like everything is too good to be true and I'm walking through fields of daisies hearing music lift my spirit, we keep each other grounded. In fact, the more we argue the closer we grow to each other because we always resolve our issues and come out with a deeper understanding of one another. Our arguments are few and far between and, while they tend to start off very quiet and contemplative, they always turn to gentle and tenderhearted discussions.

Though this is only my personal observations and thoughts, I have a theory about how to build a strong and lasting relationship. I believe that two things must be present for a relationship to last long term: tenderness and commitment. Couples need to sit down and discuss their concerns or their pain in a compassionate environment. Walking on pins and needles, avoiding serious issues, and going to bed angry are things that I never want. I, personally, am too open to avoid issues. The few times that Jamie and I did have arguments, they started very late in the evening, but we worked through them even if that took us until five o'clock in the morning (which happened once). If two people care for each other they should to be willing to (1) listen and (2) speak compassionately with a tender heart towards the other person. Obviously, if one person is not truly committed than they can turn into a cancer that spreads through a family. Jamie understands my views on compassion and agrees with them. He has a theory of his own, which is that so many couples get married with their eyes closed (to the problems, their partners faults, etc) and that when they get married they open their eyes, which leads to divorce. We have both committed to doing the opposite of that. We are exploring those problems, faults, things that may irritate us, and differences now with our eyes open, but when we get married we are, in essence, accepting those things and will close our eyes. That doesn't mean that we won't push each other to grow as people though. In previous relationships, I usually would end it because I discovered things that I couldn't live with, so even though I hadn't articulated it quite as well as Jamie did, this seems to have been my philosophy as well. There isn't anything about Jamie that I've found I can't live with. I already know there will be somethings that may get on my nerves, like his disorganization or his going back to school after I just finished, but nobody is perfect (including me). Ha - random insert - he does a great Bill Cosby Jello commercial & Bill Clinton impersonations. He makes me laugh so hard and he certainly keeps thing interesting with his very imaginative ideas.

Though I have been getting excited about what the future holds for us, sometimes it feels good to just revel in the joy that I'm experiencing. I am continually blessed and it causes me to be in further awe of the Lord above.

Lately, I've really enjoyed listening to India Arie's - He Heals Me. Some of the song lyrics are:

Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said
that makes me love more
And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man,
That I wanted in my life
And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me

I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I’m wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I’m not right.
And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me

This is just a catch-up blog which is definitely needed, not for those people that know me, but so I can document for myself all of the highlights of events that have happened over the past few weeks.

Last time Jamie came to visit me in Greensboro he showed up after working a full day and then driving 5 hours only to clean my messy apartment. He did a great job too! I hate it when people clean and they make a half hearted attempt at it, but man my place was just like new. Any man that will clean for me while I work on my Master's thesis is amazing! It takes a strong stomach to clean up my moldy dishes with rotten milk in them. He jokingly said "you waited just long enough to show me this side of you! If I would have seen this side of you on the first date, I would have slashed you." To which I replied "Ain't I something?..."Yeah, you're something alright! A slob!" Haha.

Jamie and I have continued to grow in our relationship and understanding of each other. We are having lots of fun with each other. In fact, this past weekend I took him home to meet the parents. He had my parents rolling with laughter about all kinds of things like fat jokes, teasing about my messyness, and teasing about my driving. Jamie, the folks, and I went to visit artist studios in the Torperdo factory, which was lots of fun. He is really clueless about art, but that is okay I can forgive him for that because I am clueless about brass instruments. My dad, as he tends to do, got to talking to someone on our way there and after he was done he came up to us and said "I just met the Ambassador to England." HA! Then we all started cracking jokes on him like "Yeah, well many people on the street think that they are the Ambassador to England!" HA! And then Jamie later was saying to my mom "Look that lady is probably the Queen of England. Should I get her autograph?" So funny! You know what was really cute though? My mom informed me that my Dad was watching us in the car as we followed them into DC and he said to my mom "I love seeing that smile on her face and how how happy she is." I started tearing up!

So they know that he's looking at rings and that we want to get engaged. My parents are really tough critics...I mean REALLY TOUGH, but they could see how happy we are together and my Dad said he didn't see any warning signs and that he liked him and he liked us together. Yay! Now my mom is giving me these random calls like "well I'm concerned about you being poor while he's in school." I'm like mom don't worry we've talked about it and this is how we plan to handle that issue. Then she feels fine until she calls me again saying some other random small concern to which I reassure her that we've talked about it and that we are both at peace about it. Its funny cause she really likes him, but she is like a tax auditor in that she keeps thinking of crazy things she may have forgotten to review. Then I bust out my receipts and she feels confident in her decision to let him pass the audit again.

So about a week ago I canceled the match.com account that I've had posted for the past (almost) 6 years! I didn't just make it invisible, like I did with some previous boyfriends...I completely deleted it. Ha! That felt really great! Thank you match.com for giving me the hook-up!

Sometimes I take a step back and start to think about how every relationship that I've been in hasn't worked out so well and how I don't want to end up hurt again, but then I have to remind myself that this relationship is not those relationships. They say that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well Edison had to test the light bulb over and over and over before it acutally worked. Jamie is like my light bulb. Ha!

I was driving home from DC listening to the Romeo+Juliet soundtrack, thinking about my daddy walking me down the isle, and crying. I'm such a sap!! Then I was listening to some cheesy pop love songs & smiling and thinking about him! I can't help it!

He's trying to get a 2nd job on the weekends, which means we won't be able to see each other as much. However, he's trying to pay off some medical bills and save up for a ring so I feel at peace with it. The job that I was gonna apply to in Atlanta isn't hiring right now...they may be in July, but we'll see. I actually feel like this takes some pressure off of me to move right now. I want to stay in Greensboro for a year and be with Jamie, so it seems like that will work out.

Its funny cause even though I'm in the middle of thesis hell, I'm so happy!

Ahhh...wonderful weekend with Jamie. More details on that will come later, but for now I thought I would post the letter that Jamie wrote and is sending to my parents. It is very old-fashion and completely adorable!

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Becker,
I am writing you this letter today in an attempt formally introduce myself to you and possibly ease any misgivings you may have about my ongoing relationship with Emily. Let me start by saying that I understand that our relationship has so far been short lived and that it may appear that we are moving too fast. I want to assure you that while we have both developed strong feelings for each other; neither of us is making plans on a whim or in reckless abandon. In fact, the opposite of that is the present reality. While we have both recognized that we have been brought together by the Lord Himself, we also understand that any long term committed relationship is going to have to be developed on a foundation of trust and understanding that is only going to come over time and through patience and hard work.

I would like you both to know that my intentions are to get to know your daughter in a
deep and lasting way both emotionally and spiritually over the coming weeks and months with the ultimate goal of eventually, Lord willing, marriage. We would love your support and prayers for both of us as we diligently seek the Lord’s will for our relationship. I am looking forward to meeting you both next month during Emily’s Thesis Defense in April.

Sincerely,
Jamie Reynolds

…and just like that I lost my head.
Let me preface this entire blog with this…I know I am crazy right now, but in the best way possible. Two weeks ago I had a very serious prayer with the Lord. To sum it up I basically just praised him for how blessed I am and told him that I was sick of looking for “the one.” Pretty much, after 6 plus years of searching for the right guy, I just stated that I was really at peace with where I am at in my life and that for the time being I was done searching. I surrendered that part of my life to him and said “if it is your will for me to meet someone you will make it happen, but I am just so blessed right now.”

A few days later I met Jamie Reynolds. He truly exemplifies everything that I have ever wanted in a man. He is intelligent, genuine, caring, hilarious (I mean hilarious), easy going, fun, and most importantly a Christian. I will state for the record that we have not known each other that long, which is why the crazy preface was needed, but I don’t care. I feel like I have known him for years. We have long serious deep intimate conversations about life, marriage, children, sex, careers, emotional issues, and family, but he also makes me laugh a lot too. Even though I was seriously interested in him, it wasn’t until Wednesday night (the 25th) that I knew he was “the one.”

That night we talked on the phone for 6 hours about everything under the sun, but one really important issue came up and that is babies. In one of our first conversations he said that he was really set on not having kids, but was really open to adopting. I told him that this bothered me, but decided it might be better to talk about that a little later into the relationship. Last night we were discussing some heavy issues and I brought up the whole “set on not having kids” thing. I said “I really was trying to wait to talk to you about this later, but I just can’t get it out of my head.” (Warning this is where crazy REALLY starts to set in.) He prefaced the conversation with “this will probably get me slashed, but…”He basically explained that due to his father being an alcoholic, some of the health issues that run in his family, and his heart for children in the world with no families he felt that bringing more children into this messed up world was something he couldn’t do. With this in mind and despite that he was a virgin and was not in a relationship, at the age of 24 he got a vasectomy. This was shocking!! Tears started rolling down my face and I became really angry. He was very sensitive and listened to exactly why I was upset with him about this. I explained that doing this without knowing who your future wife would be and just deciding to make such a big decision without her was selfish. I would never get a huge tattoo on my body before (or even after) I got married because my body will be joined with my husbands and the two will become one. I stated that even though I was not anywhere near ready to have kids right now, that I just didn’t know if I could pursue a relationship with someone who I already knew I couldn’t have a child with. I stated this not as a threat but as a question because I really didn’t know. I talked about how precious and miraculous children are and that by making that decision he decided to withhold the greatest gift he could ever give his wife. After all of this he was crying. He never really thought that this decision would affect someone else so deeply because at the time he didn’t foresee himself getting married. I went onto talking about how great of a mother I would be and how conceiving a child can deeply connect a couple. The fact that women crave children despite the intense pain it involves is miraculous. He realized that this decision was related to how he had been living his life by trying to avoid as much pain as possible. Nobody ever knows what is going to happen, but you have to live with hope or you’ll die in the fear. He slowly started saying things like “God is good and he could heal this.” Then he said that after the surgery he was suppose to go back and get tested to see if the procedure worked and he never went back and that he was going to pray and call the urologist to set up a test.

Most women are excited just when a guy returns their phone calls, but they all want “the big gesture.” You know the sign that he really does love you. Last night by the end of our conversation he transitioned from getting the testing to an I love you and I am willing to get the vasectomy reversed if the test results don’t come back good. Wow! What a big gesture! I told him how much that meant to me and he started talking about how beautiful it would be to have children with me and how gorgeous I would look pregnant. This is not your average conversation obviously. It was extremely intimate! I have never felt this close with someone before. I noted that a lot of marriages don’t often survive tough situations like these, but that if we can handle this within our first week of dating than this says a lot about how we can pull through in other tough situations in the future. Just today (Friday) he sent me and e-mail that said “You know, it's funny, for all of my adult life I could never imagine myself having a baby but now that I've met you, part of me can't imagine life without a baby.... We'll work this out, I promise. And never forget, we can do all things in Christ who strengthens us. :).” He even keeps saying “Awww baby!” sometimes when we are on the phone. We have both been doing research and found out that the Vasectomy Reversal Center of North Carolina is only 20 minutes from Greensboro and they have great pricing, considering that reversals are an out of pocket expense and not covered by insurance. Since he got the vasectomy 4 years ago, if he can get it reversed sooner rather than later he has a 50% chance of fixing the issue the first time, although he is younger than most vasectomy reversal cases and the urologist near us uses new technology that should up the odds of being able to fix the situation.

Two weeks ago I never would have dreamed that I would be craving to have a child. Now I can’t stop thinking about it. I still would like to wait to have a child a few years after marriage, but my plans are not Gods plans. Two weeks ago Ellen had a dream that I was pregnant. We had a baby shower at work this week. Also, one of my professors at UNCG that is a such a sweet woman had a baby last semester. I went to visit her and bring some books back to her office. She was showing me baby pictures and started telling me about how she went through In-Vitro and had two miscarriages from it before she naturally conceived. She was telling me all of this and she had no clue what was going on with me. She even said “Emily you should have children when you’re young because the older you get the harder it will be to keep up with them.” Isn’t that crazy?
I really feel like my blog is unbalanced because babies aren’t the only thing we talk about. He is so anxious to meet my parents. After our deep Wednesday night discussion at the end of our conversation he said “well I guess I need to start saving up for a ring.” To which I replied don’t tell me about it, but when you get there talk to Ellen and Rachel and they’ll help you. The other night he said “you have to start buttering up your Mom and your Dad…especially your Dad!” At this point they are planned to meet the weekend before my thesis defense and come to my thesis defense together…that is if I can stay focused enough to finish on time. MUST FINISH ON TIME!!!!

We have jokingly decided that we are going to call our little girl, if we have a little girl, LaFonda! Haha! So funny and of course we would never subject an innocent white child to the torment that would come along with that name, but we always get a good laugh out of it. Another interesting thing about Jamie is he speaks my language. The type of language that I use with my friends is very similar to how he speaks.

His wish is that if this is God’s will that we will be one of those married couples that really exemplify Christ in their lives. My beliefs about a husband’s responsibilities and a wife’s responsibilities are exactly the same as his. I told him that my view on marriage is that if a husband treats his wife like Christ treats the church than there should be no major issues. He agrees. He has already said that I have control over decorating everything in the house and he’ll just write me a check to do it. Haha!! How awesome is that. I don’t think I could marry someone who didn’t trust my taste and wouldn’t let me have free reign…I’m a designer common this is important. Thank God for no Lord of the Rings posters in my room!!! I think I would gag. In the areas where I’m not willing to compromise, he is and vice versa.

He is on his way here right now and I can’t wait. It has been really hard for me to hear him say I love you on the phone and not say it back, but I just really wanted to wait to do it in person. I’m sure that more blogs will follow this one about his upcoming test results and from there when we want to plan for the reversal. I am not jaded in my understanding that this may be permanent! I may never ever be able to naturally conceive if we get married and this would be extremely difficult to handle, but for now we are taking it one day at a time and enjoying dreaming of a future together. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet and my feelings are growing deeper and deeper for him each day. Today he said you know “it’s kind of cool that you aren’t the only one that would have to go through something painful for us to have a child.” I have opened my heart to this whole experience and I am on a “love high”. I know that this high won’t last forever and that realism will set in at some point, but I’m enjoying where we are right now and when we get to that realistic stage I think we’ll be prepared for it. If I get hurt in this process, then so be it, but I just can’t imagine him ever hurting me. I already feel really comfortable around him and I can’t wait to just see him tonight. Please keep me in your prayers about everything.

This weekend...sigh...his name is Jamie Reynolds. Yeah, I know its goey, but I don't care. I'm definitely interested in him. I called my mom the morning after our first phone conversations and said "well I found myself a husband." We both had a good laugh about it. Nina has been like "So how's your husband?" and we laugh. In all honesty I'm not sure if he is the one yet, but I could see it getting there with him. Is he perfect? No! Am I perfect? No. Perfect for each other? Yet to be determined, but so far looking hopeful.

But fun was had this weekend! I asked him if he believed in love at first sight and he didn't directly ask the question, but he explained of all the emotions he felt when he saw my picture for the first time. At one point he said "If I could picture the perfect girl for me it would be you! Your beauty, your personality, your intelligence!"

The best part of the weekend was when we went to UNCG's music hall and we locked ourselves in one the practice rooms. He spontaneously made up beautiful music and I turned off the lights, laid on the floor in peace, and let tears roll down my face. Later we made some beautiful music together...on the piano of course. It was so much fun. I really feel relaxed around him.

Not many guys will go to church with you on Sunday mornings and then go to the sex shop in town to buy expensive cologne you love to encourage a Sunday afternoon romp. While I did want to restrain myself it was hard and for the most part I gave up and just let stuff flow. He is definitely not a player or someone who has questionable motives and he seemed a bummed when I told him I wanted to wait to make things exclusive. Sleeping next to him on Saturday night just felt comfortable and cozy. I can't wait to see him again and, yet, I still need to find someway to focus myself on school for the time being.

Blessed
Wow! I am so blessed! Tonight I babysat for a single mother (Andrea) of 4 boys. She has a set of twins that are a little over a year old (Leham and Justus), a 3 1/2 year old Kaleb and 7 1/2 year old Jeshua. Her husband and her have been married for 14 years, were both heavily involved in mission work and the church, but 3 months after the twins were born he up and left and said he couldn't deal with it. He lives in Charlotte now.

I arrived with the house in disarray and started helping her clean while the kids were still down for a nap as we chatted about our lives. Once the kids were up and gleefully playing with toys in the living room, we started putting together some quick dinner. After she left for her Experiential Discipleship class we ate dinner and the twins woke up to join us at the table. Then I started the kids on a movie, while I cleaned up the kitchen again and started a load of laundry. Then the twins got changed and went to bed again, one of which was teething and not enjoying being put down in his crib. Then the other two boys brushed their teeth and I read them some books. They took a little fighting to get to sleep, but finally they calmed down. Then I continued to churn out laundry. Andrea's poor bed was covered in so many dirty clothes, papers, books and life's junk. I just felt bad thinking she probably usually just crashes here and rarely gets to sleep in a clean bed so I changed out her sheets and made up a nice bed for her. I saw a box in the corner full of mismatched socks, so I started going through the socks and pairing them back together. She came home just as I had started doing this and we worked on it together while talking about her situation and her life.

The thing is she continually just says "I couldn't do this without God. He has continually blessed me with help from the church." In the midst of just surviving this storm she is so sweet, hopeful and geared on being a child of God. She actually has her Masters in Social Work. It was funny cause she said that a few years ago she had her life planned out for the next 12 years and that, obviously, her 12 year plan didn't work out the way she thought that it would. She said "you can only pencil in your plans but you have to give God the eraser." This I know to be true, but I still have problems handing over control of my life, even though I know it is in his hands anyways.

Right now I just know that I am blessed to have some peace and quiet when I come home, for God to have supported my degree plans so far, and to not be in a relationship with someone who isn't worth it. Andrea is a real American hero!

I have decided to divide up this blog into several mini-blogs because I have so much to catch everyone up on.

This is why I call myself a nomad!
So New Years was spent with the lovely Ellen and Justin in Pittsburgh. Another fabulous, but much better planned than previous years, night out downtown filled with the symphony, ballet, improv comedy nights, and trash sculpting (mainly on Justin and Ellen's part). Of course, there was also the counting down of the year and I always wonder where time goes. Sometimes I imagine God getting impatient for the 2nd coming, just like a kid waiting to get down from his high-chair after a meal. So in his impatience he decides to speed up ;ife without us realizing it. I'm sure it isn't the case, but I really do want to savor life more.

Leaving Ellen with hugs and kisses, I certainly did not think that I would see her again so soon. Back to DC I drove to spend a few more days with my family and then on dasher, on prancer, and all the rest of those sweet little left over reindeer took me home to Greensboro. After receiving a very saddening e-mail that 'Mama' (Ellen's grandmother who raised her) was passing away and that Ellen and Mary were on their way down, Rachel and I waited in the wings ready to swoop in with quiet, yet, strong support when needed. Unfortunately, 'Mama' had passed away before Ellen and Mary made it home to say their goodbyes. The night before the funeral I stayed with Rachel. Driving down to Charlotte tears strewn down my face just thinking of the amazing Crocker family and all of the pain that Ellen was facing. Rachel and I meandered through my first Bojangles experience before hitting the road for the plantation (Ellen's home).

The funeral was hard for everyone. Justin, Rachel and I all holding each other as we watered the grass with sadness and watched Ellen's family in pain. Words during a time like that really don't say much. The only thing to say is "Ellen we love you." Everything else just seemed too cheesy, so I really was just expecting to be sitting around their house in supporting silence; however, laughter soon broke out amongst a sea of busy family members eating and talking. The thing is I swear I am so blessed to know Rachel and Ellen! I constantly am reminded of just how blessed I am to have them in my life. My mom has a prayer up in our house that says "When one of you weeps, may the other taste salt." Even though that prayer is about marriage, I feel it is true about our friendship. When Rachel and Ellen suffer I do feel like I taste some of that suffering along with them.

At the end of the day, I travelled to Atlanta for a few days to shadow at Hirsch Bedner and Associates, the top hospitality firm in the United States. Wow, blow my mind experience! The type of projects that they work on and the relaxed environment that they do it in are all exciting. I definitely would love to work for them!

On my way back up to Greensboro I stopped and had dinner in Spartanburg with Ellen and a plethora of other Spartanburgers. We had conversations about the strangest restaurants in the world...you don't even want to know!

By the time I got home I was exhausted. YET, two days later I left for Charlotte again for Rachel's birthday where good Italian food, tango lessons and, of course, salsa dancing were all intertwined into a delicious evening.

Back in Greensboro...Now I was really exhausted from traveling and was set on being lazy for a little while. Sigh...Pittsburgh, DC, Spartanburg 2x, Atlanta, Greensboro and Charlotte 2x in a matter of 15 days was a lot.

The ticking time bomb...
So I've successfully avoided, well you know who, for about 2 and a half months, which is awesome! Yet, I know that the city is a landmine and I will eventually run into him and, knowing my luck, his new girlfriend. So now I am wondering if it is best not to wonder the streets and local events in fear, but rather to prepare myself to hurry up and get this over with. The awkward "How are you?" "I'm great! And you?" "Doin great!"...I just need to get it done! I thought that was what I was doing on Sunday when I went to the Well because I looked hott and felt confident, but of course he was not there. It almost happened tonight...it was a VERY close call, but I was unprepared and the situation didn't lend itself to seeing each other! We were within mere feet of each other but never saw each other...thank god! Bahhh!

Cough, Cough, insert manly Emily voice here
So definitely getting over some nasty kind of cold. Not the kind that kicks you in the gut for a few days and won't let you stand, but more like the kind where you hesitate breathing because you'll cough up a whole bunch of nothing at all!

Noooooo.....Not Valentines again
Shit...I hate Valentines day. I'm counting down the days till doom. You know what is even suckier is that Valentines is on a Saturday. Saturdays are suppose to be a day of joy. Lonely Valentine Days are suppose to be spent working feverishly away to avoid the pain of being alone, BUT SATURDAY IS MY DAY OFF!!! WOULD ANYONE MIND IF WE RESCHEDULE IT THIS YEAR OR MAYBE JUST POST-PONE UNTIL I HAVE A BOYFRIEND (ONE ACTUALLY WORTH KEEPING). Bah...I digress! Have fun all of you fools for love!

Going, Going....Really? Going, Going....Damn it...Gone!
On a similar note of love, or, rather, the lack of it, I cut off nurse boy (David). After not receiving a real phone call from him for about a month and only very lame text messages I simply sent him one back that said "I hope you find what you're looking for." Of course, he said "What are you talking about?" To which I did not reply! Men need to wake up and realize that if you really want a relationship it takes time and work, not just a "hey" text every week...that is called adolescence and I hope to never return to it again.