I feel fat, unsexy, like I need to pack my bags tonight get in my car and drive to somewhere anywhere other than here, toxic, like I should check myself into a convent for the summer, exhausted, tired, sad, unwanted, not like myself, like i want to hide under my mattress for a few months, confused, teary, dramatic, and stupid. Sometimes I am scared of death, but other times, like right now, I picture just how perfect heaven would be and know that it is nothing to be scared of at all. (If you know me you know i'm not suicidal or anything crazy, but just a thought). I wish Jesus was really here like in physical form so he could just carry me and make me feel the opposite of what I feel right now. Thankfully, this is a momentary emotional state that will soon pass.

I hate being impatient, but I am. I am constantly trying to have my whole life figured out with all of my questions answered, but that rarely happens. I'm tired of facing rejection and feeling like I'm being led on by people. I wish that on the side of my head there was a switch and I could flick it on and off as necessary. Auto-pilot would be nice because than I could stop obsessing about stupid things. The more I tell myself not to think about things, the more I do. Although I don't understand men all that often, I do like how they can just brush things off and move on. Women over-interpret everything and I hate adding fuel to the fire by partaking in that culture. While it does temporarily provide some temporary entertainment, it usually does not end well...at least not for me.

Bridal Shower and Spartanburg
So Mary, Jessy, Rachel and I threw Ellen a Bridal Shower at Ellen's house in Spartanburg. It turned out really cute and really cheap. How fabulous is that? It was cute seeing Justin and Ellen again. God couldn't have designed a better man for her. They are a perfect match and love like theirs doesn't come along to people very often. I feel blessed just to know her and be a part of her life. My card to her said something crazy like "...Your fairy tale ending is soon approaching with joyful tears, unending laughter, and hot sex. Don't forget about us crazy single people or I'll track you down in your castle and go Gaston (from Beauty and the Beast) on your ass."
The night before the shower I was getting bored laying around the house so I forced everyone out the door for a Wal-mart trip, but only after I let Ellen and Justin draw on my face in glitter paint and dawned a totally absurd outfit. The response was not as interesting as I hoped, but I guess that is a part of growing up.

Jobless
I'm going a little stir crazy not having a job. It is kind of nice to sleep in and lay around and get my house really clean, but i'm getting nervous about my finances and the dwindling of them. A new opportunity presented itself yesterday for an internship at a design firm in Winston-Salem, but only time will tell if that pans out to be anything at all. They are really looking for a Historic Preservation student, but we will see. Any internship or design experience at this point would be great!

Confused
I am confused right now about men, but I guess that really isn't any new news. It is so hard to tell if someone likes you or if they just enjoy your company. I dunno, but God does and he'll work it all out.

-$2+$3-$3+2=0+some excitement
Today I went to the gas station to buy soda and decided to buy two $1 lottery tickets, which I haven't done in years but I was feeling a little lucky and giddy today so I went for it. I won $3 then exchanged those 3 dollars for 3 more scratch offs and won another 2 dollars. I ended up cutting even with the bonus of a little excitement, but a random large some of money would have been nice. Eh, cutting even is actually good so no complaints here.

I just got the new Warren Barfield CD in the mail today and I'm enjoying it. If you want to listen to it let me know. His music is a little cheesy, but its all good cause I need a little cheesy in my life.