Ohhhhh Rachel, Rachel Rachel, I bow before thee with thanks for recommending that I read "Why Men Love Bitches."

Over the past year my self-esteem and respect for myself has dramatically took a turn for the worst. One of my key issues is that I feel like my looks (specifically my extra weight) grant me the opportunity to get the respect from men that I deserve. I usually either don't care about dating because I'm too busy with school OR when a man is interested in me I'm so desperate to get him to like me or to invest in a relationship. Boooooo me. Ne ways good news is that I am almost done with reading the book and I am already starting to see results!!

So I started seeing David right before I left to come up here. When I left - he definitely was starting to have a hold on me. I haven't contacted him in anyway since I have been up here. Last night he called and left a nice message. I listened to his message and told myself..."You know I need to switch the tables a little bit...I vow to not call him until Monday." I was already starting to appear a little needy - always answering his calls, always giving in to meet at the times that were good for him and not for me, etc...Now we have only been on 3 dates so nothing too serious, but he was getting use to me being (too) available to him. Tonight he called and left a message something to the effect of "Hey this is David. Emily are you mad at me? I know your mad at me. Call me back!." I listened to the message and started laughing. Not because I want to be mean or inflict pain on him, but because I think I have turned the tables on him. He no longer thinks he has a 100% hold on me, in fact he may even be reflecting on how he can be better to me so I will answer his calls in the future. When I do call him back tomorrow night and he wants to talk about why I'm mad, I'm just going to say "Mad at you? Oh don't be silly. I've just been busy. (change subject) What have you been up to?" Muah ha hahahahahahah. Again, this is not laughing out to cause others pain, but I am starting to feel like this book can give me back the power that I so deperately need.

The men that I back off for because I'm really not that interested in ALWAYS start to pursue me and call me much more. This time I'm going to use those powers to keep the men I am interested in hanging around for a while or until I no longer think they make me happy or bring something special to the table. I'm not desperate and I don't need to feel desperate. If I date more men, great. If I don't oh well. Either way, I am really happy with where my career is going and I have amazing friends that provide me with laughter and a great support network. Right now if God brings someone special into my life, great and if not oh well I still need to be happy with myself and my life.

On that note, I really need to work on becoming healthier and lose some weight. I know this sounds crazy, but I'd love to lose like 40 or 50lbs. Right now I'm trying to motivate myself to work on my health and trying to give myself courage to climb such a big mountain. Keep me in your prayers about that.

Life Updates

Ok...this blog is a little bit of a catch up from my last blog. The night that I wrote my last blog I was going crazy thinking about Brett and wanting something to change. So blah blah blah I went over to his house and he said he was 90% of the way there, but he just couldn't imagine that other 10% being there. I was crying on his shoulder as he held me and apologized for all of the pain that he brought me, all the while still trying to convince me that he wasn't that great to begin with. We haven't spoken or seen each other since, although, I heard that he brought a new girlfriend to The Well 2 weeks ago. Lovely!! (not). Ne ways basically the pain is still resonating inside of me. I've been trying to run from it and distract myself, which certainly worked during the end of my semester work load. However, now I am not so lucky. Thankfully, my quest to run from it will continue all the way up to DC. I really want to deal with and process this pain so that I can move on, but I don't know how to recover. Is time simply all i need to heal? Does running from the pain eventually catch up with you?

Ever since I can remember my self-esteem has been fully dependant on a good daily dose of compliments from men. Now that I have gained a little more weight, I don't feel confident in myself. My self-esteem is very low!!! Now that Brett isn't around to provide me with my weekly dosage of compliments and I have been facing the largest rejection from a man that I've ever met for the SECOND TIME, my self-esteem has practically plumetted.

Thankfully, yesterday I had a really great date with this really cute nurse named David. We'll have to see where this goes, but I think we had a great connection and a lot of fun. He definitely made me feel sexy!!

I know that I am suppose to feel good about myself and not constantly need reassurance from others, but it just isn't the case.

So last nighty was salsa at 411, you know the usual 2 smirnoffs, bachatta with various men, flashing eyes at people across the room and, of course, dances with the one and only Mr. X. Except last night our dances were exceptionally flirtatous. We totally got up on the stage and goofed off to cha cha. We were laughing so hard and everyone was looking at us like we were in our own crazy world. He cracks me up cause when he does bachatta...he literally stomps his foot down like he's at a ho down and then we laugh about it. We often take salsa breaks so we can go outside get some fresh air and visit the art gallery across the street. Last night as we were looking in the window to the gallery, this homeless man was wondering around near us, which made him nervous and so he put his arm around me so as to give off the signal to the wondering man to go away. After the man left we walked back inside for more lustrous dancing. Later that night we were walking to his car (so he could drive me to mine) and he put his arm around my shoulder, finished walking me to the car and opened up my door for me. Once we were inside he started talking about this hot chick (who really looked like one of those white trash girls from Rock of Love...you know the fake boobs, bad blonde dye job, and wierd plumped up lips) and how he gave her his number and she had already called and texted him before we got to the car. As we pull up to my car he puts his hand up to my mouth and goes in for the fake hand over the mouth kiss?!?!?!?!? He tried to do that on Sunday night too...I always laugh and pull away.

Driving home (ok don't freak out) but I could literally picture what kind of silly smiley expression he would have on his face as I walked down the isle in a white dress. It was a vision out of nowhere that kind of freaked me out. Its like when I am with him nothing else in the world matters and we just create our own world of laughter. However, when I'm not with him I'm wishing that I was and replaying everything he said and everything that we did when we were together. Terry, one of my salsa friends, said last night something to the effect of "You guys really look like you are together. Are you sure he doesn't like you?" To which I replied "Unfortunately, I'm sure." I keep having dreams about him and wake up wrapped in warm, soft sheets wishing that he was there with me. As he followed my car home from Winston I thought about pulling over on the side of the highway, putting my flashers on, having him pull behind me to see what is wrong and somehow ending up kissing on the side of the highway. Thankfully, I chickened out.

The Well talked on Sunday night about Marriage and one of the things the minister said was to really be open minded about who to date and that you have to marry your best friend. Of course non of that sunk into Mr. X's ridiculously puny brain. He is in a pattern of dating people for a month or two and then thats it, usually because they dump him. I'm sure he is about to start another 2 month blip with the girl from last night (the rock of love girl...ewww).

Also, random insert...You have to check out this guys' music...it makes me want to walk down a catwalk!
http://www.myspace.com/samsparro

Ok, let me preface this with I know I am not perfect....But (insert rage here) AHHHHHH WTF? Seriously, lately I have been in my "well fuck you" stage towards legalistic christians. While I am glad that the whole debate should technically be over, pieces of it continue to linger on. I am sick and tired of christians calling me out and judging me when A- they barely know me B - they don't know where I am at in my faith and C - they throw up their legalistic ideals all over me. If I could select an artist to best represent my mood right now, it would be Eminem. Lately, The Well people have been totally pissing me off. Tonight, I made a comment about this old lady looking like Sarah Palin in 20 years and one girl got totally serious and was like "People need to think that every thing they say about Sarah Palin will be brought to Gods attention. She is a christian. We shouldn't be making fun of her and the same goes for Barack." Everyone fell silent and looked around awkwardly for a long period of time. I tried to break the awkward turtle moment, but was unsuccessful. My religious bubble of hippy like christians is not large enough to repel the sound from all of the legalistic Well people having hissy fits over Barack Obama getting elected and taking their rage out on everyone.

I have lived under the oppression of having to do and say what a normal christian should and that never turned out right for me. I became rebelious. Even now when I go to church with my parents I feel EXTREME tension, because I feel like I am letting them win, when in reality I am letting God win me over in the best way possible. BUT STILL I AM JUST SOOOO FUCKING PISSED AT CHRISTIANS THAT WOULD RATHER PICK FIGHTS WITH YOU THAN LOVE ON YOU. Sometimes the rebel side of me wants to tell them how their behavior is negatively affecting my relationship with the Lord, just to jab at them, but the truth of it is that they would rather feel like they are right about whatever topic it is than to consider loving on someone who is having a hard time in their faith.

I just posted a blog 2 seconds ago, but I have one other random expedition to tell you about.

Okay, so recently I have gained lots of weight and yet with my busy schedule I just don't have time to eat perfectly or really to excercise. The other thing is I've been feeling hopeless about the ability for me to change my weight. It seems like this huge issue that is too big to tackle right now. Sometimes I don't even feel like I am worth the effort to try changing my bad habits because they will just resurface again. Pondering about these things in the back of my brain for a few days now. I have discovered a temporary...yes I said temporary (so don't freak out) solution. Today, I spent like half of a day researching the drug called Hoodia, which is a natural plant found in South Africa (i think) that is an appetite suppressant. I am usually so not cool with weight loss pills and quick fix solutions, but I really think this could help kick start me in the right direction. People who take Hoodia lose a lot of weight. My main issue right now is over eating and if I can take something to help that it would be great. After a lot of research today, I went ahead and bought a one-month supply of it and the great thing is that I didn't buy the pill form, which often means you take 6 to 8 pills a day. Instead I bought the 100% pure drops. You just stick 1 to 2 drops on your tongue or in a drink about 15 minutes before every meal and at night and it will help me suppress some of the urge to eat. Now I'm not saying that this will cure me, but maybe after lossing a few pounds I won't feel so helpless in this area.

Something that I've secretly been dreaming of for the past year is being able to graduate and wear a dress from Forever 21 under my cap and gown. Right now one of my legs can't fit into their dress sizes, which run up to I think a small 13 or 14. I love shopping at Target, but at the same time I do it because I know I won't have to face all of the size rejection that the mall offers a young plus size woman, but being able to shop at the mall again would feel great. I'm not talking nasty Lane Bryant ghetto, or old lady like and uber expensive department stores, but places like H&M, Express, Forever 21, etc... I really gave up shopping at those places probably around sophomore or junior year of high school because the clothes only fit 1/4 of the time, which meant that 3/4's of the time I left feeling disgusting about myself and rejected by cool brands. After freshman year of college the dream to be able to go back died along with any left over evidence of ever being a part of that shopping culture.

I know that this sounds sad, but I get a lot of my wierd weight issues from my mother. She never really lasts in her diets; therefore, I look at her and even though it frieghtens me, I feel like no matter how many diets I go on that the problem is never really going to go away.

The funny thing is when I was a size 13 I thought I was fat and now that is my ideal body size. I'm not aiming for a size 2 here or even a size 8, but just to lose about 30 or 40 lbs. I just posted a bunch of pictures from college and high school where I look fabulous. Its funny cause I look at those pictures and I am begininng to not recognize myself. In Baz Luhrmans "Sunscreen speech" he talks about how you aren't as fat as you think because in 20 years you'll look back at the pictures and marvel at just how thin you really were. That is what scares me...I don't want to be 45 looking back at me now and thinking wow I was thin and my biggest fear is that I will.

I need people to pray for me that I can take control of my life. I always feel like I am pushing my career goals and never focusing on my health goals, but I want to start focusing on both at the same time or at least get the health goals started at little bit. I have made up my mind on the Hoodia stuff and I am not willing to back down from giving it a try. Starting Sunday, tomorrow, I am going to start detox for a few days before I go on Hoodia. I am only going to drink pure fruit juices and water, eat whole wheat bread (no butter, no nothing on it), and eat whole vegetables and fruits. The detox will happen for at least 2 days, but I am hoping to stay on the detox till I start the Hoodia (once it arrives in the mail) which should be Wed., Thurs., or Friday.

This morning I woke up at 7am on a Saturday not because I had to work, but because I had to stop dreaming. In my disturbing dream I was getting married...to whom, I wasn't sure. In fact, I wasn't even sure what time the wedding was until I looked at the posters around my castle like room. It was already 11am (in my dream) and I was to be married at 6pm. However, I was alone with no bridesmaids gushing around me, nearly dressed in rags, and starting to wonder about all of the details. Come to find out that because I was so eager to get married and was too busy working on my studio and thesis projects my mother had to plan my wedding for me. So I called her to ask where I was going on my honeymoon and she informed me that I needed to pick a place really quickly. Which then turned to thoughts of...oh crap that means I don't have my white nightgown for my honeymoon so I was going to have to make a Victoria Secret run. Quick realization that my car was still a total crap shoot with trash piled high inside, I begged my brother to clean it out for $8. The food was being catered by my Aunt Beth, and I had no clue what we were having. I started to sweat thinking about how terrible my dress would look because I didn't pick it out and if the reception meal would be served in plastic Tupperware. Obviously, this is a woman's nightmare and that is why I awoke from this deep dark dream of mine to see the sun shining. The funny thing is after I realized it wasn't real, I was kind of happy for a few minutes. It was like amongst all of the dramatic wedding realizations I was just happy to entertain the fantasy that if it was 11am I would be married in 7 hours.

Anywhoooo...okay so I know that people get pissed when I talk about Mr. X because...well many obvious reasons that are quite valid, but being that it is my blog I will discuss/let out all of the thoughts on the topic that I so chose. My main one being this...after thinking for the past few days about him, I....well let me preface this with, I usually am right about my predictions and my hunches about people so with that said....I really think that one day, probably much later rather than sooner, Mr. X is going to come to his senses over everything and he is going to try to either chase me or pursue me in some fashion. YET, my instincts tell me that when this happens it will be too late, like as I am moving away from Greensboro, or the week before I get married, on a trip to visit after I move out of town, or possibly just some completely unexpected moment. Although this is bad, I am kind of excited about letting him taste his own medicine. That is all for now!

Faltering, falling, fumbling, and fooling myself have been my drugs of choice. Months of recovering from foolish dreams that I know will never come true were ingested, but this week out of nowwhere a regurgitation occured. Why can't I keep down the truth?

With the lights out and my curtains drawn I immerse myself into a sedated state. A state where I can drown out my thoughts, my loneliness, my unhappiness... Images continue to flicker as my brain drowns out the pain. My body and my mind are relaxed, entertained, and temporarily distracted. However, just like most temporary fixes it is the moments in between where you realize that your problems are not disappearing, but rather that they are still waiting for attention and that new problems are forming in the meantime. The escapes that we create for ourselves are not only for the physical and rational problems, but also the irrational and mental states we are in.

I have been so completely anti-social. I use to crave face time and now I constantly hide from it. Most of my local friendships are fake. Yet, this is not why I avoid engaging them. I avoid them because I need to anesthetize myself from the pain of being a lonely overweight workaholic who is crumbling under the pressure of deadlines and expectations she doesn't know if she can meet. The guilt from unproductivity crushes me and therefore I seek to drown it out through lots of on-line television. Rationally I know that this guilt drowning could probably happen just as easily with social activities; yet, if I set up times to go out with people then I am giving into the reality that I am not as productive as I would like to image. It also means that I may end up having to face my work anyway, especially if this social time is with people from my classes.

I almost hate to write this, but it is the truth...The one thing that I miss about smoking is sitting outside enjoying the scenes, the weather, and the people watching and really thinking through my emotional state. I procrastinated just as much back then but at least while I was procrastinating I took time to really taste life. Now though I miss tasting life, I do not miss tasting cigarettes of death. In fact I did have one cigarette last night and I don't even feel guilty about it because really I just thought it was silly. One Halloween cigarette does not equal a smoker. Now I'm not saying that I'm going back to smoking or even wanting to be a social smoker....what was I saying...oh yeah basically that I still think they are ridiculous and that I'm glad that I have moved past that deadly relationship. However, what I miss is time on my porch during nice weather and taking breaks to sit outside and just live in the moment of quiet tranquility with ones thoughts.

Though I am starting to crawl out of my career and architectural depression, I found another warm pit to cry in for a while and that is the anti-healthy pit of death. While I did quit smoking and passed the LEED exam at the same time, I also had some help by the name of sugar. Oh sugar and I are such dear friends. Sugar makes me feel happy, makes me feel like I am chiseling out some time for enjoyment in the midst of work. The sad part is that sugar is a killer just like my old long lost evil no-so-great-a-friend Mr. Tobacco (short for Mr. T). Sugar is considered a treat and it comes carrying hope that tears and anguish will melt away as it melts in your mouth. It is another foolish trick that this fool falls for.

I want to run through the park sometimes, but I'm scared. I want to just sit outside and breath, but I'm scared. Though Barack promises change, I am needing change that I know he cannot bring and that is personal change. The pits that I continue to dig myself into are warm with plenty of room for quiet desperation. Plus, they are great for temporarily hiding from your problems. To crawl out of the ditches that I have dug myself into will be hard. As each day goes by I look up and the circle where I can see the sky seems to get smaller and smaller. Am I really just temporarily hiding out or am I digging my own grave?

Yet, I continue to dig deeper and deeper because I don't know if I can conquer the climb out. I always prefer taking the stairs going down because they are so much easier, well it appears that I have been taking the stairs down and expecting elevators to be waiting in the wings for the moment that I decide I need to go back up. Everyone knows that in ditches there are no elevators, but I can't seem to really grasp that fact. There is no immediate quick fix just waiting for me.

I am quite the planner and quite the rebel. So how does this often work out for me...lets see here I plan and then rebel against my own plans. It is so Jekyll and Hyde. Another secret that I've been hiding is the lack of God in my life. I am so far from him. If there ever was an elevator in a dirty ditch it would be him. Now just like in Willy Wonka, you may jump on the elevator and expect to go up but sometimes you go sideways, to new rooms you didn't know existed, down for a little while, etc...however, the goal of God/the elevator is to get you out of the ditches and at least on solid ground...who knows maybe even a mountain. Climbing out myself means that I have more control and that if or when I do finally get myself out of the hole I can give myself full credit, but then again the Mr. Hyde in me will probably cause me to either fail or will simply push me right back into the ditch after I get out. The elevator does seem like an easy ticket, but the Mr. Hyde in me is convincing me that the elevator is impractical and that I should stay just a little longer in my warm safe pit. Though I know what I need to do and will do eventually, for now I am sitting in the dirt facing away from the shiny stainless steel elevator sulking in the corner and being obstinate.

The cycle of hopelessness for hope and rest

The cycle of hopelessness for hope and rest is a never ending saga that I will forever be stuck in. The cycle that I am describing is the cycle where people live day to day pushing towards the next largest goal, for example getting a better job, finishing school, getting a raise, acceptance by certain people, etc... We want to achieve this large goal and the goal by itself is unacheivable until it is broken down to smaller tasks and goals. So daily or weekly we are striving for this thing and we begin to revolve around the goal and we place all of our worth on the achievement of our goals. Eventually, the hopelessness of hope takes over and is like a cancer eating away at our peace and rest.

Take for example my life... Now I am striving to get my Masters degree so I can get acceptance from the design field, be offered a better job and eventually teach at the college level. Well one of those smaller goals is to take and pass the LEED exam, which breaks down into daily goals of what material I need to cover or memorize. My worth is daily equated to how much I have worked toward those goals. I am yearning for the time after the LEED exam and after graduation when I can get a normal life back, break the cycle, and finally feel a sense of rest. The sad news is that I know within a matter of weeks or months of graduation that I will absorb myself into some new goal, which will lead me into another cycle that I eventually begin to disdain and can't wait to get out of. People live their whole life in these cycles. Take for example single people who are in the cycle of yearning for marriage, but after they are married they yearn for children, and after they have the children they secretly are looking forward to the day when they become empty nesters and can get their life back or break the cycle; however, I assure you that the cycle will suck you in again. All of these scenerios play into the fact that what we do and what we accomplish equals our worth as humans. We are always wanting more respect and admiration from others and even ourselves, which usually fuels the cyclical fire.

I don't want to live my life from accomplishment to accomplishment and feeling like crap all of the time in between. I want to break this cycle, but I don't know how. I have said it before and I will say it again, I know that God is suppose to be enough, but as humans our flaw is that we can never really truly accept that. We may want him to be enough or even say that he is enough, but due to our nature until we pass into his eternal life we will never really be able accept him as enough and have him be the solar around which our life orbits.

The thing about the cycle is that pursuing and accomplishing goals can be very powerful to our self-esteem, which is why we initiate the cycle to begin with. Sometimes the accomplishements are worth everything that we put into them and sometimes they are not worth as much energy and effort as we initially believed. Even while your in the cycle there may be times where you truly feel confident that your life is moving in the right direction, but is this cyclical motion really going upward like we think it is or is it a downward spiral into death and destruction of ourselves as accomplishers not human souls?

I really want to just be...just enjoy life...just live....just absorb the beauty of the present without always striving for the beauty of the future.

I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect from men...as a priveledge and not a chore...I hate that when I find someone I'm interested in they either aren't interested in me or they are too wrapped up in their own worlds and their own schedueles to share some time with me. However, usually I have a hard time even getting to that point, because most of the men i meet are so uninteresting and so unpassionate about life.

Blah....priveledge i tell you...not a chore.....

I need some ravagement in my life...serious ravagement. I need to be thrown against a wall and had...partially had at least. mMMM that is all for now.

Wow! Haha! (insert more giggling and big ridiculous grins here)...soooo last night I had an amazing date. He is wrong for me in every way on paper (much older, divorced, young child, baggage, etc)....but the funny thing is right now I don't care, or at least I'm trying not to think about it. He is handsome, passionate, intelligent, and a christian. I didn't even know that special combination existed...maybe he is one of the last available models of man like that on the market. Either way I really felt a connection. He is a multi-linguist (7 languages) and a musician (drummer). We had such a great balance between flirting and deep interesting conversation. You would think he would have a huge ego, but instead he is so down to earth. I can be very logical and planned, but instead my goal is just to relax and enjoy getting to know him.

He picked me up and we went to the Printworks Bistro (the restaurant and bar attached to the Proximity Hotel, which of course I adore). We had drinks outside in their large comfy lounge furniture, while gazing at each other and the great night sky. So great!

5 days and counting as a non-smoker!!!! I have much more free time now that I don't smoke. At about 8 minutes a cigarette and half a pack that is almost an hour and a half every day that I was smoking...geez. Currently, I am still trying to enjoy my porch while doing other things like talking on the phone or drinking coffee. It is so nice outside that it would be ashame to restrict myself from still going out there. Currrently, I am procrastinating...again before church. I decided to do my nails instead of work on school stuff. They look nice!

I'm not even bitchy...at all. Yesterday, I treated myself to an Ulta shopping spree since I am done with acutane and smoking. I figured that now I can smell pretty instead of like an ashtray. So I bought some Euphoria perfume...ahhh it smells so nice...like spicy sandalwood and magnolias??? I also bought lipstick, which I couldn't wear for about 5 or 6 months. I tell you the Cover Girl longlasting lip dye stuff is amazing. I put it on yesterday at about 6pm and it is still going strong at 10am. I also bought myself a new curling iron and another bikini trimmer since my old one passed away and I have the Well beach retreat coming up this next weekend. Haha Nina wants to go skinny dipping on the beach retreat in the middle of the night when no one is around. I think it would be great...it is just going to depend on how cold the water is as to whether or not I decide to go with her.

I have a stye that is annoying the crap out of me. Thankfully, it is slowly going away, but it has been there since Tuesday. Boooooo.

I have figured out when I am taking the LEED exam and I am excited about gettin her done!! Haha! I have already scheduled myself for an Urbana massage shortly after I take the exam. Hopefully, I won't have to call and cancel the appt. because I failed it.

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!!

Well, for the two people that actually read my blog this will probably be news to you...today, September 8th 2008 is my last day as a smoker. I decided on August 26th that the 8th would be my official quit day. It is going to be hard and tough, but I am ready. It is hard already for me to stay strong about this and I have even noticed myself saying "well, we'll see how it goes." I must stop this defeatest thinking and believe in myself and that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." My biggest problem is in the mind. Training my mind that I don't need a cigarette. That my life will be just as happy without them. I will revel in the day when I am on a road trip or simply driving to school singing in my car and not smoking. In fact, that day will be tomorrow.

Smoking is not a luxury. It is not a valid excuse for me to get away from my work and relax. I must now replace cigarettes with something else that is either relaxing or productive.

I started smoking socially between my sophmore and junior year (2004). I remember being out with some semi-friends in New Orleans at the club 360 when they asked me if I wanted a cigarette. I really wasn't that interested, but they conviced me that my euphoric drunken state would be heightened by a cigarette or two. After that night and throughout college, my smoking got progressively more frequent and has heightened at a half a pack a day bad addiction.

This summer I read some quit smoking books and they all emphasized that smoking is an addiction not a habit. For me, I believe it is a little bit of both. Scholars suggested picking a quit day 1 to 2 weeks in advance to mentally prepare yourself. Typically, nicotine withdrawl only lasts 2 weeks or less. This past spring when I semi-quit I would set goals for myself like ok only when I drink, but then I noticed that I would drink more and more often just to smoke. Then I started setting time frames like okay if you can go two weeks without smoking then you can have a cigarette. To think I was almost in the clear. However, the social smoking is an urban legend as my scholars discussed, because social smokers are the heavy smokers of tomorrow. They believe that they can limit themselves, and usually they do temporarily until the addiction grabs a hold of them. I really must hold strong to this, because I still kind of glorify social smokers as the people that have it all. As the people who can only enjoy it when it counts the most. My personal belief is that for hardcore smokers you either quit or you don't, there may be a few bumps along the road, but lying to yourself that you can only smoke socially will not work forever.

Thankfully and unthankfully 98% of my friends are non-smokers, which is why my social smoking turned into an unsocial thing. It went from being at work and taking a smoke break with friends to leaving groups of friends to go be by myself for a few minutes in the dark with a cigarette in hand. Thankfully, I have support from all of my good friends to quit smoking. Unfortunately, they constantly hound me to quit. This technique never has worked for me. I know that I have to do things in my own time and not necessarily when it is good for them. This force from others has only made me want to retract away in some sense. Like when my father would hound me about not picking at my pimples or about religious issues. I know my friends care for me and I appreciate it, but some are harsher about their opinions than others.

This is why I have decided that I don't want to tell everyone that I am offically an ex-smoker until after 2 months of being clean. In fact Nina and only people who actually read this blog will know that I have quit. Therefore, this blog is mainly to reinforce my own goals to myself and reflect on the journey that I have taken as a smoker. By the way, studies show that quitting smoking is equally as hard as quitting heroine or cocaine. I highly doubt that I will be having convulsions, but mentally I must prepare myself for this trying time.

There is definitely some personal embarrasement that comes along with smoking. Even I think that it is trashy, smells bad, tastes bad, and is socially unaccepted by society, and up until 30 minutes ago I was one of them. I personally have some qualms with myself about the environmental aspect. Not only do I commonly litter my cigarettes, but I also have been known to smoke right outisde the entrances of buildings, which can circulate into buidling ventilation systems and affect non-smokers. I remember particularly being embarrassed when one of my sustainability professors saw me smoking outside of a restaurant near campus. I wanted to hide my face from her for a while and pray that she wouldn't bring up the fact that I was a hypocrite.

Two weeks ago, I also switched packs from menthols, which to me have a much smoother taste, to non-menthols, (groan) eww. Tonight, as I smoked my last few cigarettes I literally was almost vomitting I thought they were so gross because I wasn't allowing myself to drink a soda with them. Soda also smoothes out the flavor. I almost always was sipping on some soda, coffee or highly sugary drink while having a cigarette, and while me quitting smoking probably indicates that I will gain some weight intially, I think that me not drinking as many sodas and sugary drinks will probably help me to lose weight in the long run.

Another main motivation for quitting smoking is my health. I am so out of shape and out of breath all the time. Even walking up a flight of stairs right now takes the life right out of me. Salsa dancing, which I haven't done in a while, became less unenjoyable because I had to take it easy so I wouldn't have an asthma attack. At one point I did have an asthma attack at 411. Thankfully, it wasn't so bad that I really needed medical attention, but I definitely had to take like 20 minutes outside to catch my breath. An asthmatic smoker, dang how stupid is that. Really? Not only an asthmatic smoker, but an over-weight one as well. Yeah, I think I have a death wish or something!! Now I am choosing to have a life wish instead.

Mentally and physically I have had to endure and overcome many things over my life and this will be one more of those things to add to the list of life experiences. I know that as I am walking around campus people will be smoking and even in five years from now as I walk down the street or I am hanging out in a club that the smell of smoke is going to trigger my addiction and try to pull me back in, but I must be strong and resist the urge to reinstate my death wish.

If you are reading this keep me in your prayers! Pray that I can comprehend that my life will not be lacking without nicotine, but instead will be full with the same joy, sorrows, stresses, and happiness that it is today.

I thought that it would be funny to post my most recent gmail conversation with Ellen. Warning if you are easily grossed out by the discussion of menstrual cycles, aliens and/or terrified by meteor showers you probably should not read this.

me: eLLEIE
Ellen: emilie!!!!
flemilie!!
Ellen: where did you go?
me: here
the weather is amazing
Ellen: mary's bachelorette party evite is making everyone laugh
me: have u called ur gyno yet
Ellen: no
but it seems like it's slowing down a lot
me: no babies
no babies
no babies
no babies
Ellen: no babies!
me: haha
i might have to give you all of my don't get pregnant stickers from my acutane
Ellen: hahahahaha
give them to justin
!!!
me: haha
Ellen: make a greeting card of them
me: he would throw them away along with your birth control if he had a say
hahaha
Ellen: "for the wedding night"
me: i wrote you a really sappy letter last night that I will have to read to you when i come down
Ellen: awwwwww
yay!
v girls!
me: yeahh
i'm taking my laptop to the bathroom with me cause my vajayjay is bleeding
Ellen: AH!
me: let me plug this mess up
Ellen: so it started again
me: yeah
Ellen: what in the hex
okay....
what if our bodies are trying to tell us something
me: like aliens are coming
Ellen: like maybe that the atmosphere of the earth is changing.... or yeah! aliens!
a meteor maybe!
or what if we've already been abducted! and they've prodded us
me: i like the atmosphere thing
Ellen: or implanted their fetuses into our bodies
me: every girl that I know has had wierd period issues this month
eww ellen
i can see the headlines now
Ellen: mary's breast were abnormally large
me: "The smathering of blood fortells the forcoming doom!!"
Ellen: AAAHHHHH!!!!
Sent at 1:27 PM on Monday
me: "...tampons are lying moist all over the roads, children are running from their bloody and insane mothers, men are growing weary, but the worst to come has yet to arrive."
that was from the article by the way
that i just made up to match the headline
Ellen: "blood loss has left women hungry for something more!"
me: haha
rofl
we are ridiculous
Ellen: oh yes
me: chocolate sales are probably up
Ellen: there is a meteor shower tomorrow!
omgosh.... for real
mary just told me!
it confirms!
so hopefully, after tomorrow, we will be back to a normal cycle
or... aliens will land and take over
me: do meteor showers really mess up periods??
Ellen: I don't know
Sent at 1:32 PM on Monday
me: i'm trying to find out now
Sent at 1:34 PM on Monday
me: One reason the ancients respected the Moon as much as the Sun is that it seemed to affect many aspects of human life—as indeed it does. Medieval ideasabout "lunacy" were themselves more than a little off-kilter, and the belief that the Moon affectsfemale menstrual cycles has come under significant challenge. Nevertheless, the Moon doesseem to have some effect on human biologicalcycles.
Ellen: but not meteors
Sent at 1:38 PM on Monday
me: i dunno, but you're probably right about the meteor thing
Ellen: I hope so
either that, or God has decided to put us through some sort of cleansing process
me: its better than alien babies
Sent at 1:42 PM on Monday
me: well i think that i am gooing to take a nap and then get back 2 work
Ellen: okaaay
let me know if you have a tiny green arm protruding from your vagigi
me: ewww will do
Ellen: byebye

Loneliness in the V club
Within the past 24 hours I have been abandoned by 2 more V club members and found out that 1 of those members was a frudulent member since I've known her. Ellen is getting married in a week and her membership card will be thrown away and rightfully so. The only members left are Nina and I. I've just spent the past half an hour crying about it. I know that I will not and couldn't ever bring myself to marry someone just to have sex with them. When I get married it will be forever and a one time thing, but how can I put up with the pressures until then. I have always said that if I ever lost my V card before my honeymoon that I would have to go on suicide watch because I would be such a wreck about it. Every fiber of me is screaming out in anguish and for mercy. I need God to send me a husband soon because I cannot take this pressure for very much longer. I need to get married within the next 2 years or I think I will burst into sexually violet flames of fury because I'm cursed. Either that or I will have to become a nun to escape all of the worldly torture and teasing of my soul and my crotch.

Lately I have been realizing that my mother has given me complexes with her humorously sarcastic laughter at my talents. Growing up my mother and I always teased each other about our efforts in a lighthearted way. For example, I always teased her about her decorating style (for those of you who have been to my parents house you understand) and she would tease me about my messiness or my singing. Even if we both like some talent about the other person we still always had to tease them slightly. Yet, I am tracing some of my modern day insecurities back to our light hearted jousting sessions. I find myself wanting to prove to her that I have talent. I have told her that sometimes its funny, but that sometimes it cuts too deep. The sad thing is that I carry this same teasing over to other relationships and some view it as cruel.

So this may seem strange, but as an excersize for myself I am going to list some of my talents as I see them. They not be on the list because they are extraordinary, but maybe because they are special to me.
Cake Decorating
Entertaining
Cooking
Crafts (don't laugh)
Photography
Rendering
Design
Singing (this one my complex is with the strongest but would love for this to blossom some more)
Making new friends
Salsa dancing (including bachatta and meringue)
Swing dancing
Making people laugh
Being Dependable
Flirting
Teaching
Spontaneousness

I know this is kind of wierd to list out my talents, but usually I feel like the only talent I have is design and that even sometimes gets shaken.

Unrequited infatuation

The other night I was watching The Holiday, which I have seen before and definitely is one of my new favorite movies; however, this time the movie hit me in a whole new way because I could identify with Kate Winslet's character. Kate's character is emotionally caught up in a one way relationship with Jasper. Jasper is engaged to someone else but cannot leave Kate alone because she builds him up and he is infatuated, not with her, but with her infatuation for him. Kate goes crazy and decides to head out of town (sound familiar??) and makes new friends who treat her like she is special. The line that really gets me in the movie is when this old movie writer, Arther Abott, tells her that in all movies there is the lead girl and the best friend and that she has been acting like the best friend. To which she responds the she should at least be the lead girl in her own life.

I am not sure if I act like the lead character of my own life or the best friend. Usually, I think I act like the lead girl, but lately I have been backing down from that role into the best friend role. But no more of that ridiculousness. Right after I watched the movie I arrived home, knowing that I was suppose to be leaving for DC the next morning, yet I felt the urgency to immediately jump in my car and leave town ASAP. So at 3am I left for my 5 hour drive to DC and arrived at about 8am. It was great. I started out by listening to sappy love songs that make me tear up, but as the sun started to come up my music became more cheerful and so did my hopes for a new beginning. Driving through the night with my sun roof open looking at the stars was really magical.

My understudy better move over because I am gearing up and I'm ready to come back to take control of my life.

When is the time to stop waiting for happily ever after and move on??

I see so many people who put their lives on hold based on the dream that they'll meet that perfect someone. For example people put off moving, vacations, jobs, careers, education, kids, etc...because they feel their lives are temporarily put on hold due to the lack of the happily ever after factor. However, I am finding that many people decide not to wait until that special someone comes along (or only to wait for a certain amount of time) before they take the reins on their life. These people are courageous! For example, my friend Allison who is 29 and has never been married decided that she had waited too long to take the vacation to California that she has always wanted and that with or without that special someone in her life she was going to move forward. She took a 2 week vacation by herself. This is something that I personally don't know if I can come to terms with, but I hope one day I can be as strong as her. Also, another great example of this is my Uncle Jim, who didn't get married till he was 50. At a certain point in his life he got tired of waiting for things to happen and decided to adopt children. The funny thing about his story is after he adopted his children he met and started dating Carol, but they broke it off because she didn't want to date someone with kids. About 15 years later they reconnected when his kids had moved out and got married.

How long is too long to wait for that special person before starting your life? When you become independent and make everything happen on your own does it intimidate members of the opposite sex? Do we feel that unless someone is anguishingly waiting for us that they won't really appreciate or make room for us?

Thankfully, I feel like I am moving forward in my life right now with my goals and dreams, but there are other decisions down the road that I am sure I will have to make alone. To move on by myself...to take life and live it to the fullest even though mr. charming never showed up in the midst of it all. Maybe I've already reached that point of independence...However, when I think about taking vacations by myself or adopting children alone I may be shell shocked not so much at the notion, but rather my unreadiness to face such experiences within my maturation process.

Parental Habits passed down to innocents

So as a child growing up my family moved about every 2 years, which just so happened to be when everything started to get messy. Relationships with other people became deeper but also stressful and that is when we would put a For Sale sign in the front yard and head off to a new land and build a life from scratch all over again. Last week, I had an interview in DC and am awaiting a phone call to see if I get this internship. I'm really banking on it, because I need to get away for a while from some messy relationships. 2 people in particular one more than the other (yes, Mr. X particularly). The other night a friend was like "What is going on with you two? I thought he didn't like you? Why was he flirting with you tonight?" to which I responded "Welcome to my confused brain!"

I keep thinking that if only I can move away, quit smoking, lose some weight and come back looking fabulous than he will finally realize what a catch I am. The other night after I mentioned my semi plan above, without inserting his name into it, he sweetly said "I don't think you see yourself as others see you." I wanted to tell him "No I don't think you see me how I see myself and that makes me change how I view myself." Momentary elapses of time were passing were I just wanted to break down crying. Sometimes I just want to cry and scream at him "Do you know how much you have messed up my life for the past few months? Part of the reason that I want to move to DC is to get away from you and move on!"

Please God open this door in DC so I can recover from a beaten heart. I wish I could just fall asleep and awaken at the end of the summer in time for Ellen's wedding.

Rachel will you marry me?
Okay, I'm just kidding but man we have so much fun together! She came to visit me last week for a few days and we had a fabulous time together. She arrived Wed. night. As usual she made great time getting to Greensboro, but once she reaches the city gates she gets lost and ends up in some abandoned field or on the opposite side of town. Rachel either needs a man or a GPS system. Once she got to my place we went out salsa dancing and she got to experience my Wed. night 3rd place (Ray Oldenburg "Great Good Place"). Men wouldn't let her go so I had to go release her from people so she could move on and experience more men on the dance floor. At one point Brett was like "Oh wow look at her, she is really into it. She has her eyes closed and everything." This was during bachatta of course. Raben and I use to do really hottt bachatta, but then he moved to Charlotte. Its basically like sex to foreign music in public and with clothes on.

The next day we went out to eat at Olive Garden for a 4 o'clock lunch and then afterwards we went shopping at the 4 Seasons Mall, which believe it or not I had never been to. It was much larger than I expected. Afterwards we rented Wedding Crashers and Across the Universe, which is a musical that uses The Beatles music to narrate the story line. Rachel had never seen either of the movies, but I have been a Wedding Crashers fan for quite sometime. For the rest of the weekend we were making crasher jokes like "you motorboatin son of a b*tch", "maybe it was the midnight rape or the gay nude artshow that took place in my room last night", "don't get me wrong I think you're an innovator, but...", etc... We also were constantly joking about the Will Ferrell video on Utube about the old prospector called "Gussss Chiggins."

Rachel and I are now both on Match.com and so everytime we would come home from an outing we would run the computer to check our match e-mail. It was fun, goofy and pathetically amazing! We would read e-mails to each other from our matches.

On Friday we went swimming, layed out in the sun, and went to 2 different Harris Teeters and Ulta in our bathing suits. In the 2nd Harris Teeter, the one at Friendly, we ate a smorgeous board of various foods and I made a few rounds through the samples. It was delicious! We felt like we were at the beach most of the day. We came back and spent like 3 hours getting ready for the Sex in the City movie. Rachel wore a green tank with bronzy/gold sequens and dark denim jeans with gold jewelry and brown high heels. I adorned myself in tons of silver jewelry, a black A-line almost 50's style dress and silver heels. We looked great...too bad no men were around to witness this. Nena and Joy both joined us and we had a great time at the movie, which was filled with dripping amounts of estrogen and a fun rowdy crowd. Afterwards, Rachel and I went to PF Changs for dinner and drinks. There was this group of people next to us on the patio and they were having a good time. They kept apologizing for being so loud and interrupting us, and we kept assuring them that they were fine and were not bothering us. Once we got up to leave at the end of the meal, this one guy was like "I'm so sorry. I hope we didn't ruin your meal." We assured them that they did nothing of the sort. Still the guy says "no really I want to pay you because we were so obnoxious." I was like okay sure. He whipped out a wad full of money and gave me 30 BUCKS!! It was insane. I was like thanks and walked away. Rachel said she didn't want to split it with me. On the way home I was like we are going to spend $10 of this money on lottery tickets but whatever we make we will split and she was like "okay." So we bought 10 $1 tickets and won $15 with the total earnings being $5. It was pretty sweet and random, one of our favorite flavors in the seasons of life!

The next morning, Saturday, we went down the road have breakfast at the best diner...no really it is called "The Best Diner." After that she was off in a blaze of glory down the road back to Charlotte awaiting the start of a new, nonannoying job, that would pay her bills. Cheers to you darling!!!

Later that night I went to an 80's movie party complete with the side ponytail, spandex workout shorts, and heavy blue eyeshadow! We watched "Can't Buy Me Love," which was one of Patrick Dempsey's first movies in his teen years. Also, Brett called me to see if he could come to church with him the next day. On Sunday we drove together to the oh so lovely Spring Garden Community Church. Dawn Farabee was actually there from my old church, Daystar, and she came out to lunch with us after the service. After lunch I met a person from match.com for ice cream, and then I went home hung out, went to the Well, then Jason's Deli for a few minutes afterwards, and then had another and different match.com date at McCoul's.

This morning I went on a 3rd date (again totally new person) from match.com at Ham's restaurant. 3 DIFFERENT 1ST DATES WITHIN 24 HOURS!!!!!! INSANE!!! However, to be honest there aren't any of them that really struck me as having everything that I'm looking for. All of them asked me out for another date and all of them I told to give me a call, but I'm not sure what will happen with that. There is another guy on match that I haven't met yet and really want to. We will see.

Tonight is "Heroes" DVD night at Dennis' with people from The Well. I've been very social lately. Unfortunately, I haven't been getting like anything done on my thesis, which is scarey. Much love to all.

I feel fat, unsexy, like I need to pack my bags tonight get in my car and drive to somewhere anywhere other than here, toxic, like I should check myself into a convent for the summer, exhausted, tired, sad, unwanted, not like myself, like i want to hide under my mattress for a few months, confused, teary, dramatic, and stupid. Sometimes I am scared of death, but other times, like right now, I picture just how perfect heaven would be and know that it is nothing to be scared of at all. (If you know me you know i'm not suicidal or anything crazy, but just a thought). I wish Jesus was really here like in physical form so he could just carry me and make me feel the opposite of what I feel right now. Thankfully, this is a momentary emotional state that will soon pass.

I hate being impatient, but I am. I am constantly trying to have my whole life figured out with all of my questions answered, but that rarely happens. I'm tired of facing rejection and feeling like I'm being led on by people. I wish that on the side of my head there was a switch and I could flick it on and off as necessary. Auto-pilot would be nice because than I could stop obsessing about stupid things. The more I tell myself not to think about things, the more I do. Although I don't understand men all that often, I do like how they can just brush things off and move on. Women over-interpret everything and I hate adding fuel to the fire by partaking in that culture. While it does temporarily provide some temporary entertainment, it usually does not end well...at least not for me.

Bridal Shower and Spartanburg
So Mary, Jessy, Rachel and I threw Ellen a Bridal Shower at Ellen's house in Spartanburg. It turned out really cute and really cheap. How fabulous is that? It was cute seeing Justin and Ellen again. God couldn't have designed a better man for her. They are a perfect match and love like theirs doesn't come along to people very often. I feel blessed just to know her and be a part of her life. My card to her said something crazy like "...Your fairy tale ending is soon approaching with joyful tears, unending laughter, and hot sex. Don't forget about us crazy single people or I'll track you down in your castle and go Gaston (from Beauty and the Beast) on your ass."
The night before the shower I was getting bored laying around the house so I forced everyone out the door for a Wal-mart trip, but only after I let Ellen and Justin draw on my face in glitter paint and dawned a totally absurd outfit. The response was not as interesting as I hoped, but I guess that is a part of growing up.

Jobless
I'm going a little stir crazy not having a job. It is kind of nice to sleep in and lay around and get my house really clean, but i'm getting nervous about my finances and the dwindling of them. A new opportunity presented itself yesterday for an internship at a design firm in Winston-Salem, but only time will tell if that pans out to be anything at all. They are really looking for a Historic Preservation student, but we will see. Any internship or design experience at this point would be great!

Confused
I am confused right now about men, but I guess that really isn't any new news. It is so hard to tell if someone likes you or if they just enjoy your company. I dunno, but God does and he'll work it all out.

-$2+$3-$3+2=0+some excitement
Today I went to the gas station to buy soda and decided to buy two $1 lottery tickets, which I haven't done in years but I was feeling a little lucky and giddy today so I went for it. I won $3 then exchanged those 3 dollars for 3 more scratch offs and won another 2 dollars. I ended up cutting even with the bonus of a little excitement, but a random large some of money would have been nice. Eh, cutting even is actually good so no complaints here.

I just got the new Warren Barfield CD in the mail today and I'm enjoying it. If you want to listen to it let me know. His music is a little cheesy, but its all good cause I need a little cheesy in my life.

Well Hello there Mr.Coffee...what cho doin?

So about 2 weeks ago my coffee pot broke. It just decided that it was time to retire and go to coffee pot heaven. I've been trying new methods in making my coffee every morning. However, all of them have been too time intensive and some of them are down right messy. My last method has been working quite well actually, but some members of society are dismayed by it. I've been using an old sock as a filter. Its true. I get up in the morning put water on the stove to boil and then fill the sock with coffee grinds and dunk it in and out of the hot water.

This afternoon a faculty member in the office was discussing how she can tell if coffee is more than an hour old. After she left I started confiding in my co-workers on my coffee distress and the new uses I have found for old socks. A good laugh later, Emily C., my boss, mentioned that there was an old coffee pot that has been laying around in the work closet that they would donate to my cause! Yeahhhh! Sponsership continues on in life! Ask and you shall receive!! Now I just have to carry this coffee maker across campus (wierd looks will be funny) and take old school Mr. Coffee, my new boyfiend, back to his new home. :)

Beautiful Rachel came to visit me this past weekend! We had a very fun-filled good ol' time (that line sounds like I need to put my teeth back in). Warning - Men in North Carolina, Beware of Rachel. She is growing prettier by the day! Salsa, swing, and booty dancing went down, along with shopping and touring Greensboro. I can't decide if life is truly more random when she is around or if I just notice more random things when we are together.

Right now I am definitely procrastinating. It was so nice to take a weekend off, which I haven't done in a long time, but now it is hard to motivate myself to push through the last week.

Last night at the Well we were talking about God's Will. At one point I was totally dazed off in my own world and thinking about how I'm craving a relationship with someone. Sometimes you just need a hairy armpitt to crawl into. Calling all bachelors...hairy armpitt needed! Well it doesn't have to be hairy, just available and belonging to the male gender! Please see my administrative assistant for further details on how to download the application.

Much love,
Em

...and the Choir sings Alleluia

Wow! I am so blessed right now! Amazing wonderful things have been happening in my life. It's totally insane.
1. Free stay at the Proximity Hotel...BUT they also sent me $50 to spend at their Printworks restaurant.
2. I picked up my bridesmaid dress for Stephanie's wedding and it looks great. I need to get it taken in a lot, but the color and the style is so flattering.
3. I made and A in Anna's class (Sustainable Evolution), which totally caught me off guard. Not only is she giving me an A, but she said that she enjoyed reading it ..."rave reviews for Emily Becker's paper", "its astonishing" and "well-written." I about peed my pants. She is so intensely hard that grad students often can't pass her. Happy dances around my desk definitely ensued after I read her e-mail. The first paragraph of my paper is
Like a lover, nature is continually trying to woo our hearts with its beauty. Yet, since the
industrial revolution we have progressively gotten more violent in the bludgeoning of its
tenderness in a shameless manner. Like a marriage in need of rehabilitation for healthy
survival, our goal needs to revolve around maintaining the sweetness still left in the
relationship while heartily pursuing to restore inceptive fascination. This goal for
restoration has become known as the sustainability movement.
4. My apartment is clean. I haven't done laundry since spring break, so its been like 7 weeks. Gross...I know. It feels so good not to step over piles of clothes to get to my bed and my desk.
5. Rachel's coming this weekend!!! Yayaya! It will be so much fun! I'm trying to get a group of my friends to come out dancing with us on Friday night. Swing dancing is Saturday and will be lots of fun.
6. Speaking of dancing...I'm going salso dancing tonight!!! Yaya! I wasn't able to go last week because I had way to much work to do...my body was sad it didn't get to strut around a dance floor. It will perk up tonight.
7. My parents are seriously considering getting me a laptop for my birthday!!!! It would be so awesome! The other night I just randomly called them and started begging them for one and telling them it would be such a blessing to me. I usually feel bad asking them for money, just because I know they are tight with funds. That isn't to say I don't call when I need help, but I try to limit it. Soo yay laptop! This means I can work at home in the fall for studio and not have to be stuck at school everynight until like 10 or 12. Also, I can work on my special design programs at work when things are slow, which is quite often.
8. For those of you who don't know I have been offered the same assistantship for next year, and with tuition waiver funds being cut in the school this is really great!

Yes, things are going great! I'm exhausted, but still moving along as the light at the end of the tunnel, called "the end of the semester," is coming up quickly. Last night I was talking to Ellen and she was like what are you doing this summer and where will you be..."I have no clue." Ellen- "when is the end of the semester?" Me - " May 5th" Ellen- " That's in 12 days...you don't know where you'll be in 12 days." Me- "Nope." I highly doubt that I will be getting an internship from Little, but I should know by the end of this week for sure. Whatever! My summers never turn out as planned...EVER! Through it though God has relaxed me on some of my stringent career goals. I usually end up seeing why he works things out the way he does before the end of the summer. I will have plenty of time in my life to wear business suits, go to a regular job and work 8 to 5 shifts, so if I end up working at Starbucks for the summer I'll just make the best of it. The question is here or DC? I have friends and a life here now and DC would be so boring! I'm not sure if the money I'd save on rent would really be worth having a dreadful summer. Oh the thing about the summer...wait no there was one bad one. I worked in New Orleans at Semolina's resturant, had no friends and drowned myself in watching Sex in the City all summer. I don't want that to happen again.

Part of me really feels like I should stay here, but the other side knows that I will have to take out about another $1,000 loan at least just for the difference. Tomorrow, I'll find out how much of a scholarship I will be getting for next year...but I have a sneaky suspicion that it will be like $250...probably less than $500. It would really be a miracle if I got more, but I doubt it.

"...whatever will be will be. The future's not our's to see..." I'll figure it out soon enough. For now I'm just happy to live in the moment!

Welcome to Trailer Trash Research Saturday

So I woke up at 6:30 this morning so I could continue with writing this elborate 15 page paper that is due on Monday night about the evolution of sustainability. Around 12:30 I decide to go to Harris Teeter to get a few groceries. After attaining the needed items I pack up and head down the street to this gas station that has a Little Cesar's inside for some pizza. Before going to the pizza counter I pursue purchasing an item in which you must be over 18 to purchase...ok cigarettes...yes I know I need to quit. Ne ways, well my wallet was stolen last week and so I have no form of ID except for my school ID, which has no date of birth. Now usually this wouldn't be a problem because I haven't been carded for cigarettes in a long time, but now they ask me for it. I'm like nevermind my wallet was stolen there is a new drivers license being sent to me in the mail. Proceeding to purchase a pizza the young girl, I'd say she was about 18 or 19, who was behind me in line came over and asked me what kind I wanted. I wait in the car like a young child getting ready to bail after pursing a secret mission and after about 3 minutes she comes out and said that the cashier wouldn't sell them to her because she knew they were for me. She said "we can drive down the road to the next place and try" in which I responded with a grateful "thank you but it is really not that big of a deal." I did go to the next gas station though by myself. Well this must be prefaced with the attire I am wearing - a dress with no panties, no makeup and my hair drenched from the shower I took before leaving my apartment. The Indian man in the next gas station over asked me all of these strange questions like if I had a boyfriend. My response was a no and upon his questioning of why I said "probably because I go out in public looking like this." Then the man placed the back of his hand on my left breast and asked me if I would be his girlfriend!?!???!!! What? I was just like I'm too busy for a boyfriend. Have a great day (insert running feet here). I must say that no man has ever asked me to be his girlfriend by placing the back of their hand on my breast before...maybe the palm of a hand, but the back of a hand?
Well after all of that I must now get back to discussing the holistic philosphoies of scholars.

Today, I feel like my life is an eternal mix of addictions. Even though I don't do drugs or drink that much, I still have sucky addictions. When I finally conquer one of them another one rears its ugly head. Premeditated sin is complicated to me. I know that if I am truly sorry for it than it can be forgiven, but how ashamed can I be when I know that certain things are not good for me and I go through with them anyways.

"Mother please forgive me for these things that I have seen and done. I hope I can still get home to heaven. I wish I had a bible instead of this damn gun." - Will Hoge

Bible vs. Gun is about someone at war. I may not be on the frontlines physically, but emotionally sometimes I feel like I am. Constantly fighting a war alone against my temptations and losing more than winning. I really am like a stupid sheep wondering aimlessly in my spiritual journey. Right now I don't feel like I have enough strength to fight these anymore.

"Oh I wish that I could tell you that I was safe away from harm, but everytime I close my eyes Mama I wish that you could hold me in your arms." - Will Hoge

I know I can't earn my salvation and that it is days like this when I am suppose to look to Jesus to carry me, but right now I feel like I've annoyed the crap out of him and should let the dust settle for a few days. I continue to ask for his help and I notice when he is trying to provide me with ways out...but I still don't take them.

Sensorship...don't you hate it. That is all for today.

Tonight I went over to my friend Nadia's house to hang out with her and Harry, a salsa friend from 411. We watched the season finale of Lipstick Jungle, which is amazing by the way and if you haven't seen it yet you should go to the nbc.com website to watch the full episodes. Anyway...afterwards we got into many conversations about relationships, dancing, and just life in general one topic in particular that I've been thinking about is men's view on women with successful careers, which came up when I asked Harry his opinion on the matter. Basically, he seemed to have a balanced point of view for a man, but I feel that many men don't have a balanced view. Two main issues seem to arise when posing the question of this and those are that :

1. Men don't want to feel like they come second to a woman's career, which is perfectly understandable. Women don't want to come second either.

2. There seems to be a certain acceptance to their girlfriend/fiance/wife being successful as long as they remain more successful, are still making more money and/or have almost full authority over the family. The acceptance rate may vary and be found on the "terms and conditions" label for each individual male.

I want a great marriage, career, and family life, travel opportunities, community involvement and spiritual growth and all in a good location. In essence, I want it all! Striving for self-actualization much? I don't picture myself being a stay at home mother in my life time, but then again I know love for your children can change that. Reason for this is that I would be bored and then quickly get depressed. I love to be on the go and I'm always looking for a way to advance or grow and without that, with life being too still and calm, my passion would fade. With stay at home mothers and wives going out of style like yesterdays "fresh fish" from Olive Garden, it is no wonder that men are beginning to panic a little bit. I can understand their fear.

Men have been in a position of power over women for hundreds of years and it is only within the past century that this has changed. Has equality with men always been in our blood or have we just evolved to fit the changing societal needs? I believe that in terms of intelligence women were always there with some having more opportunities than others for use and expansion in this area. However, in our personal relationships with males we naturally want to be submissive and gently dominated. Notice how I mentioned gently there. We aren't looking for someone to treat us like their slave or servant, but rather support.

The interesting thing about slaves is that some of the most powerful women want to be one. Women that have immense power still feel the need to be dominated in the bedroom. Though I have very little power in life, I am included in this group of women. No I'm not running down the street to buy a black leather body suit, but I do desire to be controlled in some sexual sense. With me not being able to fully explore these desires currently due to my spiritual beliefs, I have found other outlets for this blessed curse. The main outlet being salsa dancing. Every Wednesday I go for drinks, laughs, and friendship, but most of all to be softly controlled and led.

To be led one must trust its leader. In a marriage, I believe that the man can lead and the woman can follow if there is a deep amount of respect, trust, and unspoken equality. I use to always get angry when discussing women as submissive in the bible and it took the example of my married small group leaders at Eternal to reveal how this works in harmony in a modern marriage. The way they explained it to me was that men should have control over the household, BUT that this works best when they love their wife so much that they wouldn't make decisions without her or that would displease her. My parents have a piece of artwork in their house that they got as a wedding present that said "May you have such a oneness that when one weeps the other will taste salt." These explanations softened my heart to the idea and opened my eyes for my my own deep desires to be submissive. I realized that God wasn't a sexist egotistical male who loved women less than men. He loves us the same, but formed us and guided us to his wonderful vision, which is too great and magical for any human to fully understand.

The only thing I can conclude on the thoughts of having it all is that for a woman to be simultaneously successful in a marriage and a career, she needs support from her husband and vice versa. A team with a noticed, but soft hearted leader who conceptualizes decision making less as a divine right and more democratically for the sake of a passionate interconnectedness.

These thoughts have been collecting in my mind for some time and writing them has helped me to even further clarify my philosophies on these topics. None of them have actually been tested out yet and are still vague theories, but hopefully one day...Maybe I need to go buy that black leather body suit now just to be prepared.

Okay...must vent about men. So there is this man and for all confidential purposes he will be called Mr.Z from here on out. Anyways, Mr. Z is very complimentary, which I love and hate. Temporarily I love it, but then I hate it because it sends me mixed signals. Mr. Z knows that I like him, however he is not interested. I find myself spiraling down into high school crush plotting. Pondering the "if onlys" have gotten out of control. For example, if only I could lose enough weight than he would like me, but then I wonder if I would enjoy the revenge of not reciprocating the feelings if that happened. Here is a new "what if" that I just created tonight...are you ready?....what if I stopped hanging out with him and our conjoined friends for like a month...would he care or even, better yet, would he notice?

Either way I am ridiculous. I'm not saying that I have it all together, but I enjoy who I am and I don't get why he doesn't. What is wrong with me? The angered part of me convinces myself that I deserve better, but in the end it doesn't help. Partially, I know it is just that I'm use to getting men's attention and to know that I won't ever get that kind of attention from him drives me crazy. I never have crushes on typical sexy men for exactly that reason...I can't stand the rejection so I push them away to guard myself. When I really stop to think about his personality I don't even think it would mesh with mine.
Sighhh...what if I purposely ignore him for a long period of time?
Stupid...
I am thinking like such an immature child, which is not usually like me. Geez, this is pathetic.

Moving on!!! (Yeah, I'm throwing a party about it too.) Great news with my thesis! I actually get to choose who is on my thesis committee, which is awesome! I also just sent all of my stuff off for a sustainable hospitality design competition of a timeshare. The prize is $5,000 and so say some prayers for me that I win!

Where is an armpit when ya need one to crawl into ...or an Ellen bosom to snuggle up with? Calling all slice girls (mainly 60's porn star slice and bacon slice) - save all fun times for the next week to be released in Charlotte.

Question for the male population? Why is it that when I talk to men I bring out the "I want to settle down and have babies" convo, but then never get to reap the benefits of said outcomes? This is strange, but I am reflecting on a few deep conversations this past year where I have been interested in someone...they open up about the "settling down" issue and then no action? Honestly, I guess I have done this to people to...so maybe I shouldn't be complaining. So I guess maybe the answer lies within myself. Why have I done this to others with no action? It is either because there is no chase, but more than likely they weren't the right person for me. So does that mean that I was not the right fit for those few with whom conversations were had? Logic nor theory will be able to define this.

Today was what I from now on will refer to as "the begininng of the end" otherwise known as my thesis meeting. Neurons are still firing in my brain about what exactly I need to do from here. Confusion is still abundant in my weak and weary brain. Maybe I should ask for a doctor's note to get out of doing this crazy piece of work? If anyone knows of any doctors willing to provide back up please let me know.

So a little revealing is needed to be painfully honest. A recent crush sent me on a whirlwind of high to low emotions that left me feeling all but fulfilled and hopeful. At first I thought it was just games being played, but then I came to the unpleasant realization that it was just a general disinterest. This information has not been confirmed, but plans to "abandon ship" in hope of saving feelings are underway. Oh how I wish it were that easy.

My diet (or rather life plan) is going pretty well. I had a few slippery days surrounding this weekend with the superbowl and such, but I am back to normal. The plan to quit smoking is not quite as easy as I'd hoped. Progress is definitely being made in both areas though.

Good old mom called me and left me this message saying that she was at a greek restaurant where all of the little girls there were dressed up and with their fathers for date night. This incidence made her think of my father and I going out on date nights. It was always fun because daddy and I would get all dressed up and usually he let me choose where to eat, which as a kid was usually Pizza Hut. He would open doors for me, treating me like a young lady, and we would have conversations about what was going on in my life with boys and friends and he would open up about his feelings with his job or mom. Smart move on his part because, with me being pretty rebellious and him being tightly wound, it would soften both of our hearts to each others situations. I also think that having this time with him gave me expectations of being treated like a lady on real dates. My father is not perfect, but neither am I and though our relationship still has a few snags I respect him for his soft heart. I hope that if I ever have a little girl, my husband will take her on some amazing heartfelt dates.

Mmmm, man I don't write on this thing enough. Quick update since the last blog
-YEAHHHHH i'm in grad school with an assistanceship (a dream come true!)
-Moved to Greensboro, NC after working as the Christian Education Director for Camp Wright in Maryland this summer
-Have 3 good close friends in the area Kate, Katie and Joy. We are all so intensely different, but interior architecture (and good drinks) have brought us close together.
-I'm back on the Body for Life diet...except this time it really is for life, and I recently started going to the gym.
-Had a whirlwind of a relationship with a man named Drew from Gastonia, NC, which I ended due to incompatability. He really is such a sweet man, but I didn't feel the same for him as he did for me. Poor guy...I broke up with him after he had a day of 12 hours in the airport coming home from meeting my parents in DC.
-Ellen got engaged!!! I'm super excited for her. Honestly, I'm a little jealous too, but not in a bad way. I mean she finally sees the light at the end of the dark dark tunnel called "waiting until your married for the bow chica bow wow". Get it girl!

Yeah...whew and that is just a few basics. Recently, I started going to a christian singles meeting called The Well at Westover church. It really has been great for me to get to know new people.

Currently, I'm really struggling to understand where I am suppose to be in terms of a church. I've been going to DayStar on Sundays since last August and it doesn't feel like home. Even though I felt like going to Westover on Sunday, I decided that I was going to buckledown and go to Daystar to give them another shot. So I went and apparently they decided to change the time of the service and a huge e-mail was sent out to everyone letting them know. Well after all that time there I got no e-mail or phone call from anyone. Faced with having to wait another 45 minutes for the next service to start when I got there I just decided to go to Westover. On my way over I just started balling my eyes out. This may sound silly, but I still feel heartbroken over leaving Eternal (my last church in Charlotte). I miss feeling the comfort, safety, support and encouragement that the people and the message there brought me. I feel like since I have left Eternal I'm like a car that keeps going and I am running out of gas. Where am I suppose to be filling up at?

Crazy thing is I've only gone to like 5 events/services at Westover and I already have more friends there than at Daystar. Realistically, what probably happened when I went to Daystar was that I was still sad about leaving Eternal and probably wasn't as friendly as usual. Maybe it was like the rebound church? That mixed with little time to invest and a place where I didn't feel welcomed all made me resentful. The messages there are so good that I kept trying, but now I feel like it may be time for a start fresh.

In general, still struggling with being single. Apparently, my mother is (jokingly) marrying me off to someone in Iraq. Ha, she is such a crazy and I love her. Atleast she is trying to help.

Crazy roomate indecisiveness has struck and hopefully those caught in the shrapnel aren't too damaged.

Lately, I've been slightly distracted by hanging out with people from The Well. This distraction has proved to be delightful and necessary for procrastination, as well as refreshing. Its been great forming friendships with guys in particular, since I don't have a lot of those. My dancing shoes have also been getting extra action with some swing and salsa nights.

Being in two weddings this year, will certainly wipe out my bank account...but its all for the lady love of Ellen and Stephanie.

That is about all that is going on so I guess I'll end with an..."and scene".