Ohhhhh Rachel, Rachel Rachel, I bow before thee with thanks for recommending that I read "Why Men Love Bitches."

Over the past year my self-esteem and respect for myself has dramatically took a turn for the worst. One of my key issues is that I feel like my looks (specifically my extra weight) grant me the opportunity to get the respect from men that I deserve. I usually either don't care about dating because I'm too busy with school OR when a man is interested in me I'm so desperate to get him to like me or to invest in a relationship. Boooooo me. Ne ways good news is that I am almost done with reading the book and I am already starting to see results!!

So I started seeing David right before I left to come up here. When I left - he definitely was starting to have a hold on me. I haven't contacted him in anyway since I have been up here. Last night he called and left a nice message. I listened to his message and told myself..."You know I need to switch the tables a little bit...I vow to not call him until Monday." I was already starting to appear a little needy - always answering his calls, always giving in to meet at the times that were good for him and not for me, etc...Now we have only been on 3 dates so nothing too serious, but he was getting use to me being (too) available to him. Tonight he called and left a message something to the effect of "Hey this is David. Emily are you mad at me? I know your mad at me. Call me back!." I listened to the message and started laughing. Not because I want to be mean or inflict pain on him, but because I think I have turned the tables on him. He no longer thinks he has a 100% hold on me, in fact he may even be reflecting on how he can be better to me so I will answer his calls in the future. When I do call him back tomorrow night and he wants to talk about why I'm mad, I'm just going to say "Mad at you? Oh don't be silly. I've just been busy. (change subject) What have you been up to?" Muah ha hahahahahahah. Again, this is not laughing out to cause others pain, but I am starting to feel like this book can give me back the power that I so deperately need.

The men that I back off for because I'm really not that interested in ALWAYS start to pursue me and call me much more. This time I'm going to use those powers to keep the men I am interested in hanging around for a while or until I no longer think they make me happy or bring something special to the table. I'm not desperate and I don't need to feel desperate. If I date more men, great. If I don't oh well. Either way, I am really happy with where my career is going and I have amazing friends that provide me with laughter and a great support network. Right now if God brings someone special into my life, great and if not oh well I still need to be happy with myself and my life.

On that note, I really need to work on becoming healthier and lose some weight. I know this sounds crazy, but I'd love to lose like 40 or 50lbs. Right now I'm trying to motivate myself to work on my health and trying to give myself courage to climb such a big mountain. Keep me in your prayers about that.

Life Updates

Ok...this blog is a little bit of a catch up from my last blog. The night that I wrote my last blog I was going crazy thinking about Brett and wanting something to change. So blah blah blah I went over to his house and he said he was 90% of the way there, but he just couldn't imagine that other 10% being there. I was crying on his shoulder as he held me and apologized for all of the pain that he brought me, all the while still trying to convince me that he wasn't that great to begin with. We haven't spoken or seen each other since, although, I heard that he brought a new girlfriend to The Well 2 weeks ago. Lovely!! (not). Ne ways basically the pain is still resonating inside of me. I've been trying to run from it and distract myself, which certainly worked during the end of my semester work load. However, now I am not so lucky. Thankfully, my quest to run from it will continue all the way up to DC. I really want to deal with and process this pain so that I can move on, but I don't know how to recover. Is time simply all i need to heal? Does running from the pain eventually catch up with you?

Ever since I can remember my self-esteem has been fully dependant on a good daily dose of compliments from men. Now that I have gained a little more weight, I don't feel confident in myself. My self-esteem is very low!!! Now that Brett isn't around to provide me with my weekly dosage of compliments and I have been facing the largest rejection from a man that I've ever met for the SECOND TIME, my self-esteem has practically plumetted.

Thankfully, yesterday I had a really great date with this really cute nurse named David. We'll have to see where this goes, but I think we had a great connection and a lot of fun. He definitely made me feel sexy!!

I know that I am suppose to feel good about myself and not constantly need reassurance from others, but it just isn't the case.