I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect from men...as a priveledge and not a chore...I hate that when I find someone I'm interested in they either aren't interested in me or they are too wrapped up in their own worlds and their own schedueles to share some time with me. However, usually I have a hard time even getting to that point, because most of the men i meet are so uninteresting and so unpassionate about life.
Blah....priveledge i tell you...not a chore.....
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wow! Haha! (insert more giggling and big ridiculous grins here)...soooo last night I had an amazing date. He is wrong for me in every way on paper (much older, divorced, young child, baggage, etc)....but the funny thing is right now I don't care, or at least I'm trying not to think about it. He is handsome, passionate, intelligent, and a christian. I didn't even know that special combination existed...maybe he is one of the last available models of man like that on the market. Either way I really felt a connection. He is a multi-linguist (7 languages) and a musician (drummer). We had such a great balance between flirting and deep interesting conversation. You would think he would have a huge ego, but instead he is so down to earth. I can be very logical and planned, but instead my goal is just to relax and enjoy getting to know him.
He picked me up and we went to the Printworks Bistro (the restaurant and bar attached to the Proximity Hotel, which of course I adore). We had drinks outside in their large comfy lounge furniture, while gazing at each other and the great night sky. So great!
He picked me up and we went to the Printworks Bistro (the restaurant and bar attached to the Proximity Hotel, which of course I adore). We had drinks outside in their large comfy lounge furniture, while gazing at each other and the great night sky. So great!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
5 days and counting as a non-smoker!!!! I have much more free time now that I don't smoke. At about 8 minutes a cigarette and half a pack that is almost an hour and a half every day that I was smoking...geez. Currently, I am still trying to enjoy my porch while doing other things like talking on the phone or drinking coffee. It is so nice outside that it would be ashame to restrict myself from still going out there. Currrently, I am procrastinating...again before church. I decided to do my nails instead of work on school stuff. They look nice!
I'm not even bitchy...at all. Yesterday, I treated myself to an Ulta shopping spree since I am done with acutane and smoking. I figured that now I can smell pretty instead of like an ashtray. So I bought some Euphoria perfume...ahhh it smells so nice...like spicy sandalwood and magnolias??? I also bought lipstick, which I couldn't wear for about 5 or 6 months. I tell you the Cover Girl longlasting lip dye stuff is amazing. I put it on yesterday at about 6pm and it is still going strong at 10am. I also bought myself a new curling iron and another bikini trimmer since my old one passed away and I have the Well beach retreat coming up this next weekend. Haha Nina wants to go skinny dipping on the beach retreat in the middle of the night when no one is around. I think it would be great...it is just going to depend on how cold the water is as to whether or not I decide to go with her.
I have a stye that is annoying the crap out of me. Thankfully, it is slowly going away, but it has been there since Tuesday. Boooooo.
I have figured out when I am taking the LEED exam and I am excited about gettin her done!! Haha! I have already scheduled myself for an Urbana massage shortly after I take the exam. Hopefully, I won't have to call and cancel the appt. because I failed it.
I'm not even bitchy...at all. Yesterday, I treated myself to an Ulta shopping spree since I am done with acutane and smoking. I figured that now I can smell pretty instead of like an ashtray. So I bought some Euphoria perfume...ahhh it smells so nice...like spicy sandalwood and magnolias??? I also bought lipstick, which I couldn't wear for about 5 or 6 months. I tell you the Cover Girl longlasting lip dye stuff is amazing. I put it on yesterday at about 6pm and it is still going strong at 10am. I also bought myself a new curling iron and another bikini trimmer since my old one passed away and I have the Well beach retreat coming up this next weekend. Haha Nina wants to go skinny dipping on the beach retreat in the middle of the night when no one is around. I think it would be great...it is just going to depend on how cold the water is as to whether or not I decide to go with her.
I have a stye that is annoying the crap out of me. Thankfully, it is slowly going away, but it has been there since Tuesday. Boooooo.
I have figured out when I am taking the LEED exam and I am excited about gettin her done!! Haha! I have already scheduled myself for an Urbana massage shortly after I take the exam. Hopefully, I won't have to call and cancel the appt. because I failed it.
Monday, September 08, 2008
This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!!
Well, for the two people that actually read my blog this will probably be news to you...today, September 8th 2008 is my last day as a smoker. I decided on August 26th that the 8th would be my official quit day. It is going to be hard and tough, but I am ready. It is hard already for me to stay strong about this and I have even noticed myself saying "well, we'll see how it goes." I must stop this defeatest thinking and believe in myself and that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." My biggest problem is in the mind. Training my mind that I don't need a cigarette. That my life will be just as happy without them. I will revel in the day when I am on a road trip or simply driving to school singing in my car and not smoking. In fact, that day will be tomorrow.
Smoking is not a luxury. It is not a valid excuse for me to get away from my work and relax. I must now replace cigarettes with something else that is either relaxing or productive.
I started smoking socially between my sophmore and junior year (2004). I remember being out with some semi-friends in New Orleans at the club 360 when they asked me if I wanted a cigarette. I really wasn't that interested, but they conviced me that my euphoric drunken state would be heightened by a cigarette or two. After that night and throughout college, my smoking got progressively more frequent and has heightened at a half a pack a day bad addiction.
This summer I read some quit smoking books and they all emphasized that smoking is an addiction not a habit. For me, I believe it is a little bit of both. Scholars suggested picking a quit day 1 to 2 weeks in advance to mentally prepare yourself. Typically, nicotine withdrawl only lasts 2 weeks or less. This past spring when I semi-quit I would set goals for myself like ok only when I drink, but then I noticed that I would drink more and more often just to smoke. Then I started setting time frames like okay if you can go two weeks without smoking then you can have a cigarette. To think I was almost in the clear. However, the social smoking is an urban legend as my scholars discussed, because social smokers are the heavy smokers of tomorrow. They believe that they can limit themselves, and usually they do temporarily until the addiction grabs a hold of them. I really must hold strong to this, because I still kind of glorify social smokers as the people that have it all. As the people who can only enjoy it when it counts the most. My personal belief is that for hardcore smokers you either quit or you don't, there may be a few bumps along the road, but lying to yourself that you can only smoke socially will not work forever.
Thankfully and unthankfully 98% of my friends are non-smokers, which is why my social smoking turned into an unsocial thing. It went from being at work and taking a smoke break with friends to leaving groups of friends to go be by myself for a few minutes in the dark with a cigarette in hand. Thankfully, I have support from all of my good friends to quit smoking. Unfortunately, they constantly hound me to quit. This technique never has worked for me. I know that I have to do things in my own time and not necessarily when it is good for them. This force from others has only made me want to retract away in some sense. Like when my father would hound me about not picking at my pimples or about religious issues. I know my friends care for me and I appreciate it, but some are harsher about their opinions than others.
This is why I have decided that I don't want to tell everyone that I am offically an ex-smoker until after 2 months of being clean. In fact Nina and only people who actually read this blog will know that I have quit. Therefore, this blog is mainly to reinforce my own goals to myself and reflect on the journey that I have taken as a smoker. By the way, studies show that quitting smoking is equally as hard as quitting heroine or cocaine. I highly doubt that I will be having convulsions, but mentally I must prepare myself for this trying time.
There is definitely some personal embarrasement that comes along with smoking. Even I think that it is trashy, smells bad, tastes bad, and is socially unaccepted by society, and up until 30 minutes ago I was one of them. I personally have some qualms with myself about the environmental aspect. Not only do I commonly litter my cigarettes, but I also have been known to smoke right outisde the entrances of buildings, which can circulate into buidling ventilation systems and affect non-smokers. I remember particularly being embarrassed when one of my sustainability professors saw me smoking outside of a restaurant near campus. I wanted to hide my face from her for a while and pray that she wouldn't bring up the fact that I was a hypocrite.
Two weeks ago, I also switched packs from menthols, which to me have a much smoother taste, to non-menthols, (groan) eww. Tonight, as I smoked my last few cigarettes I literally was almost vomitting I thought they were so gross because I wasn't allowing myself to drink a soda with them. Soda also smoothes out the flavor. I almost always was sipping on some soda, coffee or highly sugary drink while having a cigarette, and while me quitting smoking probably indicates that I will gain some weight intially, I think that me not drinking as many sodas and sugary drinks will probably help me to lose weight in the long run.
Another main motivation for quitting smoking is my health. I am so out of shape and out of breath all the time. Even walking up a flight of stairs right now takes the life right out of me. Salsa dancing, which I haven't done in a while, became less unenjoyable because I had to take it easy so I wouldn't have an asthma attack. At one point I did have an asthma attack at 411. Thankfully, it wasn't so bad that I really needed medical attention, but I definitely had to take like 20 minutes outside to catch my breath. An asthmatic smoker, dang how stupid is that. Really? Not only an asthmatic smoker, but an over-weight one as well. Yeah, I think I have a death wish or something!! Now I am choosing to have a life wish instead.
Mentally and physically I have had to endure and overcome many things over my life and this will be one more of those things to add to the list of life experiences. I know that as I am walking around campus people will be smoking and even in five years from now as I walk down the street or I am hanging out in a club that the smell of smoke is going to trigger my addiction and try to pull me back in, but I must be strong and resist the urge to reinstate my death wish.
If you are reading this keep me in your prayers! Pray that I can comprehend that my life will not be lacking without nicotine, but instead will be full with the same joy, sorrows, stresses, and happiness that it is today.
Well, for the two people that actually read my blog this will probably be news to you...today, September 8th 2008 is my last day as a smoker. I decided on August 26th that the 8th would be my official quit day. It is going to be hard and tough, but I am ready. It is hard already for me to stay strong about this and I have even noticed myself saying "well, we'll see how it goes." I must stop this defeatest thinking and believe in myself and that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." My biggest problem is in the mind. Training my mind that I don't need a cigarette. That my life will be just as happy without them. I will revel in the day when I am on a road trip or simply driving to school singing in my car and not smoking. In fact, that day will be tomorrow.
Smoking is not a luxury. It is not a valid excuse for me to get away from my work and relax. I must now replace cigarettes with something else that is either relaxing or productive.
I started smoking socially between my sophmore and junior year (2004). I remember being out with some semi-friends in New Orleans at the club 360 when they asked me if I wanted a cigarette. I really wasn't that interested, but they conviced me that my euphoric drunken state would be heightened by a cigarette or two. After that night and throughout college, my smoking got progressively more frequent and has heightened at a half a pack a day bad addiction.
This summer I read some quit smoking books and they all emphasized that smoking is an addiction not a habit. For me, I believe it is a little bit of both. Scholars suggested picking a quit day 1 to 2 weeks in advance to mentally prepare yourself. Typically, nicotine withdrawl only lasts 2 weeks or less. This past spring when I semi-quit I would set goals for myself like ok only when I drink, but then I noticed that I would drink more and more often just to smoke. Then I started setting time frames like okay if you can go two weeks without smoking then you can have a cigarette. To think I was almost in the clear. However, the social smoking is an urban legend as my scholars discussed, because social smokers are the heavy smokers of tomorrow. They believe that they can limit themselves, and usually they do temporarily until the addiction grabs a hold of them. I really must hold strong to this, because I still kind of glorify social smokers as the people that have it all. As the people who can only enjoy it when it counts the most. My personal belief is that for hardcore smokers you either quit or you don't, there may be a few bumps along the road, but lying to yourself that you can only smoke socially will not work forever.
Thankfully and unthankfully 98% of my friends are non-smokers, which is why my social smoking turned into an unsocial thing. It went from being at work and taking a smoke break with friends to leaving groups of friends to go be by myself for a few minutes in the dark with a cigarette in hand. Thankfully, I have support from all of my good friends to quit smoking. Unfortunately, they constantly hound me to quit. This technique never has worked for me. I know that I have to do things in my own time and not necessarily when it is good for them. This force from others has only made me want to retract away in some sense. Like when my father would hound me about not picking at my pimples or about religious issues. I know my friends care for me and I appreciate it, but some are harsher about their opinions than others.
This is why I have decided that I don't want to tell everyone that I am offically an ex-smoker until after 2 months of being clean. In fact Nina and only people who actually read this blog will know that I have quit. Therefore, this blog is mainly to reinforce my own goals to myself and reflect on the journey that I have taken as a smoker. By the way, studies show that quitting smoking is equally as hard as quitting heroine or cocaine. I highly doubt that I will be having convulsions, but mentally I must prepare myself for this trying time.
There is definitely some personal embarrasement that comes along with smoking. Even I think that it is trashy, smells bad, tastes bad, and is socially unaccepted by society, and up until 30 minutes ago I was one of them. I personally have some qualms with myself about the environmental aspect. Not only do I commonly litter my cigarettes, but I also have been known to smoke right outisde the entrances of buildings, which can circulate into buidling ventilation systems and affect non-smokers. I remember particularly being embarrassed when one of my sustainability professors saw me smoking outside of a restaurant near campus. I wanted to hide my face from her for a while and pray that she wouldn't bring up the fact that I was a hypocrite.
Two weeks ago, I also switched packs from menthols, which to me have a much smoother taste, to non-menthols, (groan) eww. Tonight, as I smoked my last few cigarettes I literally was almost vomitting I thought they were so gross because I wasn't allowing myself to drink a soda with them. Soda also smoothes out the flavor. I almost always was sipping on some soda, coffee or highly sugary drink while having a cigarette, and while me quitting smoking probably indicates that I will gain some weight intially, I think that me not drinking as many sodas and sugary drinks will probably help me to lose weight in the long run.
Another main motivation for quitting smoking is my health. I am so out of shape and out of breath all the time. Even walking up a flight of stairs right now takes the life right out of me. Salsa dancing, which I haven't done in a while, became less unenjoyable because I had to take it easy so I wouldn't have an asthma attack. At one point I did have an asthma attack at 411. Thankfully, it wasn't so bad that I really needed medical attention, but I definitely had to take like 20 minutes outside to catch my breath. An asthmatic smoker, dang how stupid is that. Really? Not only an asthmatic smoker, but an over-weight one as well. Yeah, I think I have a death wish or something!! Now I am choosing to have a life wish instead.
Mentally and physically I have had to endure and overcome many things over my life and this will be one more of those things to add to the list of life experiences. I know that as I am walking around campus people will be smoking and even in five years from now as I walk down the street or I am hanging out in a club that the smell of smoke is going to trigger my addiction and try to pull me back in, but I must be strong and resist the urge to reinstate my death wish.
If you are reading this keep me in your prayers! Pray that I can comprehend that my life will not be lacking without nicotine, but instead will be full with the same joy, sorrows, stresses, and happiness that it is today.
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