I thought that it would be funny to post my most recent gmail conversation with Ellen. Warning if you are easily grossed out by the discussion of menstrual cycles, aliens and/or terrified by meteor showers you probably should not read this.

me: eLLEIE
Ellen: emilie!!!!
flemilie!!
Ellen: where did you go?
me: here
the weather is amazing
Ellen: mary's bachelorette party evite is making everyone laugh
me: have u called ur gyno yet
Ellen: no
but it seems like it's slowing down a lot
me: no babies
no babies
no babies
no babies
Ellen: no babies!
me: haha
i might have to give you all of my don't get pregnant stickers from my acutane
Ellen: hahahahaha
give them to justin
!!!
me: haha
Ellen: make a greeting card of them
me: he would throw them away along with your birth control if he had a say
hahaha
Ellen: "for the wedding night"
me: i wrote you a really sappy letter last night that I will have to read to you when i come down
Ellen: awwwwww
yay!
v girls!
me: yeahh
i'm taking my laptop to the bathroom with me cause my vajayjay is bleeding
Ellen: AH!
me: let me plug this mess up
Ellen: so it started again
me: yeah
Ellen: what in the hex
okay....
what if our bodies are trying to tell us something
me: like aliens are coming
Ellen: like maybe that the atmosphere of the earth is changing.... or yeah! aliens!
a meteor maybe!
or what if we've already been abducted! and they've prodded us
me: i like the atmosphere thing
Ellen: or implanted their fetuses into our bodies
me: every girl that I know has had wierd period issues this month
eww ellen
i can see the headlines now
Ellen: mary's breast were abnormally large
me: "The smathering of blood fortells the forcoming doom!!"
Ellen: AAAHHHHH!!!!
Sent at 1:27 PM on Monday
me: "...tampons are lying moist all over the roads, children are running from their bloody and insane mothers, men are growing weary, but the worst to come has yet to arrive."
that was from the article by the way
that i just made up to match the headline
Ellen: "blood loss has left women hungry for something more!"
me: haha
rofl
we are ridiculous
Ellen: oh yes
me: chocolate sales are probably up
Ellen: there is a meteor shower tomorrow!
omgosh.... for real
mary just told me!
it confirms!
so hopefully, after tomorrow, we will be back to a normal cycle
or... aliens will land and take over
me: do meteor showers really mess up periods??
Ellen: I don't know
Sent at 1:32 PM on Monday
me: i'm trying to find out now
Sent at 1:34 PM on Monday
me: One reason the ancients respected the Moon as much as the Sun is that it seemed to affect many aspects of human life—as indeed it does. Medieval ideasabout "lunacy" were themselves more than a little off-kilter, and the belief that the Moon affectsfemale menstrual cycles has come under significant challenge. Nevertheless, the Moon doesseem to have some effect on human biologicalcycles.
Ellen: but not meteors
Sent at 1:38 PM on Monday
me: i dunno, but you're probably right about the meteor thing
Ellen: I hope so
either that, or God has decided to put us through some sort of cleansing process
me: its better than alien babies
Sent at 1:42 PM on Monday
me: well i think that i am gooing to take a nap and then get back 2 work
Ellen: okaaay
let me know if you have a tiny green arm protruding from your vagigi
me: ewww will do
Ellen: byebye

Loneliness in the V club
Within the past 24 hours I have been abandoned by 2 more V club members and found out that 1 of those members was a frudulent member since I've known her. Ellen is getting married in a week and her membership card will be thrown away and rightfully so. The only members left are Nina and I. I've just spent the past half an hour crying about it. I know that I will not and couldn't ever bring myself to marry someone just to have sex with them. When I get married it will be forever and a one time thing, but how can I put up with the pressures until then. I have always said that if I ever lost my V card before my honeymoon that I would have to go on suicide watch because I would be such a wreck about it. Every fiber of me is screaming out in anguish and for mercy. I need God to send me a husband soon because I cannot take this pressure for very much longer. I need to get married within the next 2 years or I think I will burst into sexually violet flames of fury because I'm cursed. Either that or I will have to become a nun to escape all of the worldly torture and teasing of my soul and my crotch.