Today, I feel like my life is an eternal mix of addictions. Even though I don't do drugs or drink that much, I still have sucky addictions. When I finally conquer one of them another one rears its ugly head. Premeditated sin is complicated to me. I know that if I am truly sorry for it than it can be forgiven, but how ashamed can I be when I know that certain things are not good for me and I go through with them anyways.
"Mother please forgive me for these things that I have seen and done. I hope I can still get home to heaven. I wish I had a bible instead of this damn gun." - Will Hoge
Bible vs. Gun is about someone at war. I may not be on the frontlines physically, but emotionally sometimes I feel like I am. Constantly fighting a war alone against my temptations and losing more than winning. I really am like a stupid sheep wondering aimlessly in my spiritual journey. Right now I don't feel like I have enough strength to fight these anymore.
"Oh I wish that I could tell you that I was safe away from harm, but everytime I close my eyes Mama I wish that you could hold me in your arms." - Will Hoge
I know I can't earn my salvation and that it is days like this when I am suppose to look to Jesus to carry me, but right now I feel like I've annoyed the crap out of him and should let the dust settle for a few days. I continue to ask for his help and I notice when he is trying to provide me with ways out...but I still don't take them.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Tonight I went over to my friend Nadia's house to hang out with her and Harry, a salsa friend from 411. We watched the season finale of Lipstick Jungle, which is amazing by the way and if you haven't seen it yet you should go to the nbc.com website to watch the full episodes. Anyway...afterwards we got into many conversations about relationships, dancing, and just life in general one topic in particular that I've been thinking about is men's view on women with successful careers, which came up when I asked Harry his opinion on the matter. Basically, he seemed to have a balanced point of view for a man, but I feel that many men don't have a balanced view. Two main issues seem to arise when posing the question of this and those are that :
1. Men don't want to feel like they come second to a woman's career, which is perfectly understandable. Women don't want to come second either.
2. There seems to be a certain acceptance to their girlfriend/fiance/wife being successful as long as they remain more successful, are still making more money and/or have almost full authority over the family. The acceptance rate may vary and be found on the "terms and conditions" label for each individual male.
I want a great marriage, career, and family life, travel opportunities, community involvement and spiritual growth and all in a good location. In essence, I want it all! Striving for self-actualization much? I don't picture myself being a stay at home mother in my life time, but then again I know love for your children can change that. Reason for this is that I would be bored and then quickly get depressed. I love to be on the go and I'm always looking for a way to advance or grow and without that, with life being too still and calm, my passion would fade. With stay at home mothers and wives going out of style like yesterdays "fresh fish" from Olive Garden, it is no wonder that men are beginning to panic a little bit. I can understand their fear.
Men have been in a position of power over women for hundreds of years and it is only within the past century that this has changed. Has equality with men always been in our blood or have we just evolved to fit the changing societal needs? I believe that in terms of intelligence women were always there with some having more opportunities than others for use and expansion in this area. However, in our personal relationships with males we naturally want to be submissive and gently dominated. Notice how I mentioned gently there. We aren't looking for someone to treat us like their slave or servant, but rather support.
The interesting thing about slaves is that some of the most powerful women want to be one. Women that have immense power still feel the need to be dominated in the bedroom. Though I have very little power in life, I am included in this group of women. No I'm not running down the street to buy a black leather body suit, but I do desire to be controlled in some sexual sense. With me not being able to fully explore these desires currently due to my spiritual beliefs, I have found other outlets for this blessed curse. The main outlet being salsa dancing. Every Wednesday I go for drinks, laughs, and friendship, but most of all to be softly controlled and led.
To be led one must trust its leader. In a marriage, I believe that the man can lead and the woman can follow if there is a deep amount of respect, trust, and unspoken equality. I use to always get angry when discussing women as submissive in the bible and it took the example of my married small group leaders at Eternal to reveal how this works in harmony in a modern marriage. The way they explained it to me was that men should have control over the household, BUT that this works best when they love their wife so much that they wouldn't make decisions without her or that would displease her. My parents have a piece of artwork in their house that they got as a wedding present that said "May you have such a oneness that when one weeps the other will taste salt." These explanations softened my heart to the idea and opened my eyes for my my own deep desires to be submissive. I realized that God wasn't a sexist egotistical male who loved women less than men. He loves us the same, but formed us and guided us to his wonderful vision, which is too great and magical for any human to fully understand.
The only thing I can conclude on the thoughts of having it all is that for a woman to be simultaneously successful in a marriage and a career, she needs support from her husband and vice versa. A team with a noticed, but soft hearted leader who conceptualizes decision making less as a divine right and more democratically for the sake of a passionate interconnectedness.
These thoughts have been collecting in my mind for some time and writing them has helped me to even further clarify my philosophies on these topics. None of them have actually been tested out yet and are still vague theories, but hopefully one day...Maybe I need to go buy that black leather body suit now just to be prepared.
1. Men don't want to feel like they come second to a woman's career, which is perfectly understandable. Women don't want to come second either.
2. There seems to be a certain acceptance to their girlfriend/fiance/wife being successful as long as they remain more successful, are still making more money and/or have almost full authority over the family. The acceptance rate may vary and be found on the "terms and conditions" label for each individual male.
I want a great marriage, career, and family life, travel opportunities, community involvement and spiritual growth and all in a good location. In essence, I want it all! Striving for self-actualization much? I don't picture myself being a stay at home mother in my life time, but then again I know love for your children can change that. Reason for this is that I would be bored and then quickly get depressed. I love to be on the go and I'm always looking for a way to advance or grow and without that, with life being too still and calm, my passion would fade. With stay at home mothers and wives going out of style like yesterdays "fresh fish" from Olive Garden, it is no wonder that men are beginning to panic a little bit. I can understand their fear.
Men have been in a position of power over women for hundreds of years and it is only within the past century that this has changed. Has equality with men always been in our blood or have we just evolved to fit the changing societal needs? I believe that in terms of intelligence women were always there with some having more opportunities than others for use and expansion in this area. However, in our personal relationships with males we naturally want to be submissive and gently dominated. Notice how I mentioned gently there. We aren't looking for someone to treat us like their slave or servant, but rather support.
The interesting thing about slaves is that some of the most powerful women want to be one. Women that have immense power still feel the need to be dominated in the bedroom. Though I have very little power in life, I am included in this group of women. No I'm not running down the street to buy a black leather body suit, but I do desire to be controlled in some sexual sense. With me not being able to fully explore these desires currently due to my spiritual beliefs, I have found other outlets for this blessed curse. The main outlet being salsa dancing. Every Wednesday I go for drinks, laughs, and friendship, but most of all to be softly controlled and led.
To be led one must trust its leader. In a marriage, I believe that the man can lead and the woman can follow if there is a deep amount of respect, trust, and unspoken equality. I use to always get angry when discussing women as submissive in the bible and it took the example of my married small group leaders at Eternal to reveal how this works in harmony in a modern marriage. The way they explained it to me was that men should have control over the household, BUT that this works best when they love their wife so much that they wouldn't make decisions without her or that would displease her. My parents have a piece of artwork in their house that they got as a wedding present that said "May you have such a oneness that when one weeps the other will taste salt." These explanations softened my heart to the idea and opened my eyes for my my own deep desires to be submissive. I realized that God wasn't a sexist egotistical male who loved women less than men. He loves us the same, but formed us and guided us to his wonderful vision, which is too great and magical for any human to fully understand.
The only thing I can conclude on the thoughts of having it all is that for a woman to be simultaneously successful in a marriage and a career, she needs support from her husband and vice versa. A team with a noticed, but soft hearted leader who conceptualizes decision making less as a divine right and more democratically for the sake of a passionate interconnectedness.
These thoughts have been collecting in my mind for some time and writing them has helped me to even further clarify my philosophies on these topics. None of them have actually been tested out yet and are still vague theories, but hopefully one day...Maybe I need to go buy that black leather body suit now just to be prepared.
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