Lately, at church we've been talking about sex. It's been broken down into the beauty, the darkness and God's grace. Everybody that knows me knows that I love talking about sex...but okay and you guys are gonna think i've gone nuts...but I'm kind of getting sick of talking about it. I feel like God has forgiven me for my sins and now I just want them gone. I feel like the more I talk about it, the more it stirs up areas that have already been forgiven and therefore I end up just feeling bad about those areas again, which God didn't intend. He doesn't forgive us so that we can stew in our past...he wants me to be set free.
I think a lot of the reason I feel like sexual temptation isn't really tempting me at all (or at least very little right now) is because there is nobody in my life to tempt me. I'm not dating anybody...plain and simple if there isn't anybody in front of me then...well my temptation has almost vanished. I use to seek out so much attention...I would crave it and I just feel so uninterested in that because I am full of God's love and attention that attention from an earthly man would be nice, but it isn't necessary AT ALL. In fact...I know this is kind of wierd but I went out with this guy today, named Joseph, who is interested in dating me (well i'm not really interested and he knows this) but he kept making nice comments and they just seemed fake. Haha. It made me think about how Rachel always says she is sick of the caucasion men never noticing or always shunning a curvy woman...but today I felt like I kind of wanted a challenge. Does that make any sense? I dunno, but to me it does. It's like a man that freely gives words of flattery to me right now just seems...too...uhh...I dunno sexual and fake. I want someone to get to know me and of course I want them to be a attractive to me (a lot) but at the same time I feel wierd about it kind of. Maybe it's just cause it was coming from someone who I wasn't really attracted to. That was probably it!
Either way ehhh whatever I'm independent and I feel set free from needing compliments now. I do wonder though about the single men at church. I wonder if anybody ever looks at me in a "what if??" kind of way.
The hardest thing right now is for me to be patient. Geez those of you that know me know that I live a very fast track lifestyle and I am really bad at being patient. It's not only patience, but trust. Trusting that God will send me somebody who measures up to my standards. I say I'm struggling in those areas...but at the same time I've been struggling less in those areas than normal...still struggling, but I think it's just because the whole sex topic maybe some how intertwined...anyways God will provide me with whatever I need.