So here I am! I'm an independent single happy woman living on my own in a relatively big city. I've started going to a church pretty regularly and my love for God is really blossoming, which is something that I've needed for so long. I've always said that if there was one thing that God has clearly said to me it is that "once you put me first in your life I will take care of you and send you a truly good Christian man." I've been trying for years to go around putting him first and just trying to find someone on my own, which has failed for the most part. Eternal (the church I'm going to) is just so alive and they are so on fire for Christ. It was and still is a little difficult for me, because as a preachers kid I was always the center of attention and everybody knew me, even though I usually didn't have a clue who they were, but at Eternal I'm still new because I've been on and off and I never really go involved before. I realized that I need to stop waiting for people to reach out to me and I have to be the one to reach out for friendships and connections. I went to a small group tonight for women...and it was just so cool. I was looking around at the women and they are all so beautiful because you can just see them shining with the Lord. They are funny and at the same time really deep. When I was in college I had a best friend who will remain nameless, but I always looked up to her as a Christian woman, who would make me accountable for my actions, because they were usually really off track. She was always beaming with love from the lord and lately she hasn't been the same. I miss being able to ask her questions and having someone that close to me holding me accountable for stuff.
I've dated a lot of people and certainly had my crazy times, and I will never stop being crazy, but one thing that I'm learning at Eternal is that 3 things are Eternal...1st and foremost God, 2nd People and 3rd Scripture. Nothing else really matters. I've been searching for so long for a heartwrenching love, but I've been searching for it in all of the wrong places and at Eternal I'm begininng to find it. Skip, the pastor, this morning was talking about building healthy relationship and cutting off relationships that are not good. Me dating a million men is not going to make me feel whole, in fact it has often left me feeling even more empty and making me stray from the Lord more. I really struggle with my sexuality (not in a "I'm gay" way), but I'm just such a sexual person and that really is my biggest temptation of all. Rachel last week said "Well, maybe you should go on a sexual diet." So that is what I am trying so desperately to do. I will never be perfect in this area, but I should still strive for it. Being a virgin till marriage is such a large commitment that I've always been true to, but being pure is a commitment that I never made. In September Eternal is going to cover sexuality for a month...it really is God's grace trying to lead me in this area. I can feel it. I realized last week that I didn't have a Bible all through college and still didn't have one because I left it at my parents house and it was blown away when Hurricane Katrina came through New Orleans. So I finally bought another one, which felt really good. Darby said that she is hoping to start up some singles events at church, which got me really excited. I want to stop the useless dating and find an admirable man who has such a passion for Christ, but at the same time I'm well aware that I need to grown with just Jesus and I before I'm ready for him. If the coolest most dedicated Christian man in the world asked me out of course i would say yes, but I think my renewed faith is so young that it would get distracted or I would be intimidated by him because his faith is so much stronger than mine. One worry that I really have is that my faith is still growing so those Christians who are just so strong in the Lord , are too good for me at this point. For now I will just try to grow in the Lord and pray that when he is ready and on his terms only he will send me someone special who will make all of my waiting worth it in every way.