I’m in a state of fantasy right now. My date the other night with you know who went so well, or at least it did in my opinion, and I hope he feels the same but I’m just not sure. I know he’s been dating someone else, which I don’t have a problem with…it just makes me nervous. I think I’m a good judge of character and I can tell he’s a good man. The only problem is that I don’t want to have to make every single move. I will if there is no other option, but at the same time …wooooooo shut up Emily. Sorry I really have to stop myself. You know when your mind is just racing with all of these different thoughts but to get to the point. What is meant to be will be. God will take care of me. I know God will watch over me and give me good advice.
(sigh) Even though I know this is true I still can’t help from thinking about him and wondering if he thought the same thing about me. He is just a hard person to read. I’ve begun to over analyze, which I tend to do when I get impatient (which is quite often). I knew that being alone in my car for 12 hours the day after our 1st date would only cause me to build up more feelings and of course it did. (sigh)
On a much lighter and more serious note at the same time, I’ve begun reading Cradle to Cradle, a book about environmentally friendly design. It’s not fun reading whatsoever but none the less it’s been interesting. What I’ve read so far has just been kind of, I don’t know, pessimistic. The point isn’t let’s get better about how we treat the environment it’s more like we aren’t doing anything right and the only way we can do the world justice is if we redesign everything to live like we did back in the stone age. I mean the message isn’t that extreme but the problem I am having with this book is that they are saying we need to create this whole new world where everything can be recycled, not down cycled like everything is right now. Meaning that one shoe can be recycled into another shoe and not one shoe recycled into a third of a new shoe. It forces the perspective of ‘what will people in 600 years have left if we keep going at the rate we are going?’ When I think about recycling and trying to save the environment I never thought about it as that broad. I’ve always just thought “well I want my grandchildren to live in a safe and beautiful world” but I’ve never thought that far ahead before, which is good. Although that is a very worthy cause to want to save what God gave us, at the same time their message just seems so extreme. I believe one day we will have that kind of technology and I think that is important but right now we need to be looking for better solutions to problems so that in the future we can create that technology. The writers just don’t seem to believe in any in between. They keep talking about how everyone is consuming so much and basically we should just be living off of pure needs. Unfortunately that will never happen! Now look who’s the pessimist? No I’m just trying to say that to get to the point where we should be at is going to take work and it’s going to take a bunch of design that is only better than what we had before to technologically advance into what we should be, but I believe that their goal is very admirable and should be what we are all working towards. That is my semi-intelligent two cents for the month.

So last night I had my big date with Adam. Wow, we really did have a good time! I was afraid that I had kind of built up this big crush on him and on our date I would be let down, but that was not the case. I was happy to find out that we are both two big dorks. Who wants a man that thinks he's the coolest thing that ever hit the earth? Certainly not me! They can take their big heads and shove it!. But yeah we hung out on the Roddey porch for a while then went to El Cancun and later went down to the Winthrop lake and laid out on the dock to see the stars. Then he took me back to his place to show me this drawing he was working on and gave me the grand tour of his surprisingly cute apartment. The night was capped off by him walking me across the street and giving me a hug. Yeah although it did make me wonder about whether or not he truly had a good time, I really felt like that was the best way to end it. I haven't been on a date that didn't end in a kiss in like wow well let's just say it's been a long while. I hope if we go out again and we find the perfect moment. Well it's like 6 something in the morning and I'm about to begin my drive soon to New Orleans so everybody say a little prayer that I get home and back safely. Ta-ta everyone!

Tonight I'm going out with you know who! Everyone say a little prayer for me that I have a good date and that I have a safe drive home to New Orleans tomorrow! I miss my ladies already! Ha ha but I will be seeing Donny this weekend! Sigh, what a crazy mother f**ker. Ta-ta!

So today was a really amazing day! My one day off of my new crazy summer schedule. I woke up at 7:30am in G-vegas and drove back to the thrill so I could go to my church. Church was great as always! Afterwards I went to Panera with Adam (Hunt) and I began to truly understand what his situation is like right now. He really is in a lot of pain for various reasons. He wrote me this amazing e-mail, which I didn’t even know about till today, and everything he said in the e-mail was perfectly worded and was exactly what I needed to know.
After Panera I took an amazing nap for like 6 hours. Hehe! Sigh…it felt so nice! Then I just had tea on the Roddey Porch and relaxed. It was so amazing outside today! I love that porch. I think it keeps me sane. It’s the one place where I can go to smoke a cigarette and just breathe. Sometimes I do some deep thinking out there and sometimes I enjoy just letting my mind go blank for a while.
I still haven’t heard from you know who…which makes me sad (frowny face). Usually people say if you haven’t heard from someone within 3 days after you give them your number than they aren’t planning on calling you, or at least that’s a general rule of dating. I hope I do get a call from him.
Will Hoge last night was awesome! I’m adding it to my list as ONE OF the best concerts I’ve ever been to. Rock on Will.

Whew! Ok guys...I did it. I asked out the guy I had a crush on! I had butterflies like I was in 6th grade. I haven't had butterflies in years and years. Boy I know I totally embarrassed myself, but atleast the situation is out of my hands, which is a relief. So he has my number and if he is interested he can call me, so the ball is in his court. Crazy! I'm such a dork...I can't believe I had the guts to do it.
Ne ways today was a pretty good day at work! We were a little busier and I tried to keep busy to make the time fly by quicker.
Wow I can't believe I asked him out! I hope I didn't scare him!
Sigh...so I think I'm going to tell Camas Associates (my internship people in Charlotte) that i'm gonna work 12 or 1 to 5pm on monday's and tuesday's, which hopefully will be okay with them. I just will only have off on Sunday and even then I can't sleep in because of church...so basically I have not one single day when I will be able to sleep in June and July, unless I tell Camas that I can only work the 12 to 5 thing...ya know. I mean it's my last summer and I don't want to be waking up every morning at 7am or 8:45am...cause that would suck! Major booty! And it's the summer I turn 21 so I want to be able to party a little.
This Saturday night I think Ellen and I are gonna go stay with Rachel in G-vegas to see Will Hoge at the Handlebar! And then i'm gonna get up early sun. to drive back to go to church....cause I seriously miss going!
I'm gonna hit the sheets early.

Last night I did not sleep very well, unfortunately. I woke up at like 4am and couldn't get back to sleep until like 7am. I dunno my body was just in pain. But today ended up being a not so bad day. Today was my first day at work, which went pretty smoothly. Very very slow business, which makes me nervous since i'll be working off of commission, but I know God will take care of me! Tonight I went to the gym with Kim. Man I love her! She is such a cool chick. We always have a good time hanging out and we always have a lot to talk about. After the gym we went back to my apartment so I could grab some dinner and then we went to the Rock Hill Roasting Company to hang out, which was fun. Man my body has just been exhausted lately, it might have something to do with me jogging/walking 3 miles the past few times I went to the gym. I know my body isn't use to that, so I hope it's just that and not me getting sick. BOOOOO, I sure hope not. Tonight I took the most amazing shower. Sigh. Not in a sick way, but thankfully my shower has hardcore water pressure to ease some of my aches and pains.
What else? Oh yes! Oh dear for those of you who know me, you know who i'm referring to, but I have begun to have a crush on someone. I'm kind of nervous, but I think I'm just gonna ask him out the next time I see him...and hopefully that will be soon cause my nerves are going kinda crazy about doing it.
I'm still healing or trying to about the whole break up with Adam and I know that God has given me amazing friends to lean on. Thanks god...I owe ya...again! Hehe. Night guys!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. Damn it. What the hell? Why? If I would have known the first day I met her, what a living hell she would turn my life into I would have punched her in the face. Her thin long figure and crooked smile! Her soft voice…..FUCK you Katherine! I hope your happy….you won. Yeah you did! I must have been to heavy set and level headed for him. Enjoy your fucking political conversations and your FUTURE together.
Damn it Adam. I miss you! I’m so torn right now! Sometimes I want to call you but I get sick to my stomach thinking that you’re with her. I’ve completely distracted myself from my feelings for so long and I’ve gone by with shedding very few tears….but in the end silence wins out and the tears have only truly begun to fall. I’m sure if you read this you would think I’ve gone crazy because I said I was at peace with how it ended, but not anymore. Peace left really quickly. I think it left actually when she came into the whole picture. I think it left when he began telling me half truths. I think that my peace is spit on every time I picture you with her. What happened to us? What happened to starting off small? What happened to you making jokes that my father still wouldn’t approve of us getting married even if we’d been dating for 10 years? What happened to the Adam that use to take me out, even though he hated it? What happened to us laughing together, while I acted like a bird in the halls of Roddey? What happened?
With every argument (and really there weren’t that many) I realized just how capable I was. How strong I was. Within our relationship I had a chance to discover who I was? I’m grateful for everything, but at the same time I’m so confused. Today something told me that this was just a break and in a few years, after you matured and had plenty of time to think about things, that we would both realize just how amazing our love is and we’d end up together. Whether that happens or not I know that god will work everything out.
Part of me thinks there is nothing salvageable for a friendship. Part of me thinks that if I tried having a friendship with you, it would only be A. to make you jealous or B. to seduce you back into a relationship. And then there is a major part of me that says if I don’t become friends with you I’ll lose you forever and that would hurt more than anything. All of those different parts are fighting with the idea that I don’t want him to have it all. I don’t want him to have a relationship with her and have me as a friend. I want to make him chose just to let him know that he can’t have everything, but unfortunately I know I’d lose. It’s like that Angie Aparo song “Could you cry a little? Die just a little, pretend that you’re feeling a little more pain?”
So I think I’ve pretty much covered every negative emotion in the book; jealousy (of course), heartbreak, anger, disappointment, revenge, heartbreak, heartbreak, heartbreak.

Please everyone excuse this post! For the most part I have acted like a responsible adult since my break up with Adam….but this, well this is just long over due. I am entitled the right to let my feelings loose.

Sigh! Yeah most of you are aware that I am single again! Adam and I are no longer Damily. It’s been so weird. We had all of these great plans for the summer, we were even fantasizing about taking a cruise together…although we all know that would never have happened it was fun to dream. The craziest thing though is that Ellen is single again…..and yes Rachel is single again too. The three of us all without men at the same time? Is that even possible? It’s kind of freeing and exciting and scary at the same time. I know that there is someone out there for each of us, there better be because we aren’t keeping our virginity for nothing. All three of us have different ways that we are handling it. Me, well I’m not wasting any time to get back into the dating game or to finding The One. Adam sure did move on pretty fast. He didn’t even wait like 3 days till he officially was with Katherine, and I think that’s been the hardest thing for me. Break-ups are hard enough as it is, but add in the fact that he says he “loves” another girl…..its just crazy. Oh yeah and he’s already mentioned their future…what the hell? Men and spring fever piss me off. Seriously, I thought Adam was the one, and I most certainly slept well at night knowing that he was faithful to me and our relationship, but in the end I guess he wasn’t the person I thought he was. He has pretty much proved to be untrustworthy and sneaky, but at the same time somehow I know deep down inside that he is still a good man, but the way things ended sure does make things complicated. As Rachel once said “Well I think I’m just gonna let Jesus be my boyfriend for awhile.” Poor Rachel I know she’s going through a tough time because she was engaged to Chris and they really did spend so much time together. He just isn’t the person he used to be….unfortunately he went from one extreme to the other. Rachel needs a man that is a happy medium and won’t try to control her every move and thought. She deserves so much better.
As for dear Ellen of course she deserves someone better than Hector, right now she doesn’t think she will find anybody better, but Rachel and I know better. And she needs to stop being so stubborn about not dating people. She’s like a hot men magnet; to deprive herself is just sad and only hurting her more.
Ladies you know I love you and I’m so glad we all have each other to get through the good and the bad. I couldn’t have asked God for better friends. On that note it’s obvious that I’m gonna start blogging again. I’m actually about to leave to go to Spartanburg to stay with my girls and to get out of this town. So talk to y’all later!